Too many vaginas

A correspondent accuses me of being obsessed about Lady Gaga.

“She’s not the only woman in the world, you know,” he quipped. “Why don’t you write something about Rihanna? I’d do her.”

Not knowing who Rihanna was, I asked the chimps to send me her file. It made fascinating reading. It seems she is another singer who has won acclaim by flaunting her talents in stimulating and inventive ways. A couple of years ago she was being hailed as a virtuoso lesbian - “the best fondler ever” according to one of her girlfriends. Now she’s complaining that men won’t ask her out:

“I'm waiting for the man who's ballsy enough to deal with me,” she declared. “And I have too many vaginas around me at this point.”

I’m not surprised that men won’t approach her if she’s surrounded by vaginas. A cordon of coochies is an intimidating barrier for the bravest of men. Harder to penetrate, I would say, than a moat filled with jellyfish and giant squid. I doubt even Sir Lancelot would have attempted to breach it without a siege engine and catapult.

My advice to Rihanna is to make the first move. If a man catches her eye, just whistle him over for a powwow. The best way of attracting a ballsy man is to show him you’re a ballsy woman. To check out his balls you’ve got to get them within reach. It may not be the traditional method of initiating a courtship, but what does tradition matter to a fabulously rich diva with eyes that could hypnotise a snake? The whole point of the feminist revolution was to empower women to do everything that men do, including wearing trousers, pissing upright and making booty calls.

If Rihanna continues to have no luck with men, she might consider visiting the women-only bar that’s just opened in Tokyo. The function of this establishment is to allow women to discuss love and sex in an intimate setting without being interrupted by men eager to add their two cents. The owner of the bar hopes that her customers will shed their inhibitions and exchange tips on self-pleasurement.

“Since most people view female masturbation as something of a mystery or taboo, it is not a usual topic at typical bars,” said Megumi Nakagawa.

I’ve always thought that teaching women how to masturbate was a beautiful and noble activity, on a par with healing the sick and feeding the hungry. Obviously it’s something best done by another woman – I wouldn’t presume to offer lessons myself, even though I’ve watched female gorillas do imaginative things to their nether regions.

The sad thing is that many women are too embarrassed to admit they need help with their fingerwork, much like illiterate people who are too ashamed to attend reading classes. Fortunately, the internet now offers a number of excellent bean-flicking sites that women can peruse in private. My favourite one is called – I defy anyone to watch the clips without moaning and sighing in empathy.

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