I hear the police in California are cracking down on the pastime of train-mooning. Apparently some of the mooners were getting carried away, stripping naked and performing lewd acts, allegedly of a sexual nature. Patrolmen were out in force to make sure they exposed themselves in a proper and fitting manner.
“It’s a tedious job but someone’s got to do it,” said Captain Buttweiler of the Orange County Sheriff’s Department.
It seems he was referring to the supervision of the event rather than the mooning. I’m glad his men had orders not to intervene unless it degenerated into an orgy. Prosecuting people for dropping their pants isn’t worth the bother unless they’re blowing poison darts out of their rectums (a skill which only certain pygmy tribes have mastered). These foolish humans should be dealt with in a measured way. Forcibly tattooing a portrait of Steven Seagal on each buttock might dissuade them from pursuing their hobby – assuming, of course, that mooners are capable of feeling shame.
Speaking as one who has been mooned on countless occasions by baboons, I would say that the shock effect diminishes each time you are subjected to it. Eventually, the only reaction it produces is a roll of the eyes and an involuntary snort, which has no ill effect unless you’re drinking a beverage. Just close your eyes when gulping down refreshments if mooners are nearby. Making a fuss about the whole thing simply gives them what they want, in my experience.
It’s far from clear, in any case, that train passengers actually object to such a display. It could easily pass for family entertainment in this age of hardcore pornography, as well as being a potential sightseeing attraction for visitors to California. There are only so many times you can walk down the Boulevard of Fame or take pictures of Dick van Dyke’s mansion. I foresee a day when Amtrak trains will be packed with tourists clicking their cameras at parades of pert bottoms, glistening in the California sunshine. All that’s required is a vetting procedure to prevent the saggy-arsed from participating.
America leads the world in using the human body for entertainment, something which is still too embarrassing in most of Asia. In China, for example, a man with two penises had one them surgically removed after his girlfriend gave him an ultimatum. I don’t blame her for putting her foot down – having a boyfriend with two appendages must have been very stressful, to say nothing of the indecision she would have felt in their intimate moments. But why didn’t some impresario offer the fellow money to display Huey and Dewey to a paying audience? Every man has his price, as J R Ewing once said.
If the Chinaman has any sense he’ll have the extra penis put into cold storage. A man never knows when he’ll need a replacement, given the growing number of women who consider the todger to be fair game in times of marital stress. Even when they are brought to justice, these dick-destroying harpies are dealt with very leniently. I believe the Russian woman who set fire to her ex-husband’s organ has already been paroled. Her future suitors would be well advised to put on a pair of asbestos underpants before taking her to their dacha.
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