Peeping Yeti

A 19-year-old woman is claiming that she was stalked by a yeti who watched her as she bathed in a river. She should be so lucky. I don't know whether yetis exist, but I’m certain they wouldn't waste time spying on women if they did. Life in the wild is tough. You've got to forage for food, keep predators at bay and find a mate to breed with. Watching women splash about in rivers is a frivolous diversion from these essential activities. Nor would the yeti have got any pleasure from the spectacle. There’s no point getting excited about females you can’t impregnate.

It’s the old story. An arrogant human intrudes into a wild habitat and behaves as if the resident creatures were trespassers. Perhaps the woman got some sort of satisfaction from imagining that a big hairy monster was ogling her with lustful eyes. The whole thing sounds like pure fantasy on her part. Instead of making spurious allegations about yetis, she should join a dating site and find some unshaven roughneck who’ll sweep her off her feet.

Even if a yeti did happen to be in the vicinity, his only interest in the woman would have been to make sure she didn’t foul his drinking water. Had I been there, I would have offered him some friendly advice:

“Mr Yeti,” I would have said, “humans are big-headed creatures. If you observe them intently they inevitably think you want to have sex with them. Nubile women who paddle in rivers are particularly susceptible to this delusion. Give them a casual glance and they automatically assume you want to put your head between their jahoobies and make gurgling noises.”

Let no one forget that the Peeping Tom is an exclusively human archetype. Back in my circus days, the female acrobats always made me check their changing room for strategically placed holes drilled by villainous schoolboys. I soon became adept at sniffing out such apertures and filling them with cement. I once offered to stay in the room with the girls in the hope of catching one of the rascals in the act and giving him a poke in the eye. They thanked me for my concern but decided, on reflection, that prevention was more important than punishment. I shrugged my shoulders philosophically. It made no difference to me, of course.

This suggests another possible explanation for the alleged yeti incident: that the creature stalking the woman was a man in disguise. A cowardly human voyeur would think nothing of framing an innocent yeti for his own depraved acts. I’ve a good mind to organise an expedition to trap the impostor. We would need porters, a medic, a guide and a woman in a bathing suit to act as bait. I’m sure there would be no shortage of volunteers for this noble venture.

A plague on all the stalkers, peepers and flashers who make life uncomfortable for their victims. Small wonder that women are skittish about yetis when they have to put up with such vexations in their everyday lives. Why are men so hung-up on visual stimulation? It’s a mystery to us silverbacks. We’ll pamper any female who smells good, feels good and makes good noises.

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