Sermon on the hump

A German pastor has attracted a lot of publicity by holding services which celebrate “the divine element of physical love” (as he puts it).

“There is no life without eroticism and no life without God,” he announced in a rapturous sermon. “My backside, my hands, my tongue, my penis, my earlobes are the landing spots of love.”

The man clearly has a gift for language, but his obsession about his landing spots seems unhealthy to me. A pastor who only has eyes for his own erogenous zones will inevitably neglect the needs of his flock. There seem to be a lot of elderly women in his congregation, so maybe he expects them to oblige him without asking for anything in return. That would be sinful – a man of the cloth should give as well as receive.

The German press were disappointed by the absence of practical demonstrations in his service, and his failure to use dirty words like “bumsen”. There’s no pleasing some people. They should have realised what a breakthrough it was for the word “penis” to be uttered in a church without molten lead being poured into the mouth of the utterer. This will surely open the door for words like “nipple” and “labia” to be used in sermons glorifying the divine aspects of foreplay.

When I mentioned this story to the manager of the safari camp, he scratched his chin pensively.

“All credit to the man for trying something different, but I don’t think it will gain him new followers,” he said. “People who want to combine sex with religion worship gods who encourage them to run around naked and have orgies. Christianity is for the guilty; paganism is for the horny.”

He had a point. I doubt this pastor would impress my friend Kola Boof, high priestess of the Nubian bare-titty movement. She remained true to her “womanist” beliefs even after bin Laden kidnapped her and forced her to wear a burkha (so he could rip it off every night). She is now a published writer and poet, with thousands of Facebook followers who hang on her every word.

Kola’s latest pearl of wisdom is that men who have sex with black women find their penises grow longer. Could this be true? I suppose it might be if black women have coochies like vacuum pumps, which stretch whatever’s inside them. But wouldn’t that make sex with them rather painful?

The problem with Kola is that she’s awfully racist, always going on about the finer qualities of black skin, and calling white men who criticise her “jealous bitches”. She ought to realise that racial differences between humans are barely perceptible to a gorilla. We judge our hairless cousins by qualities that really matter, like the shape of their rumps. You don’t get to have a firm and meaty tush unless you’ve been doing exercises that prepare you for jungle living.

I’ll explain this to Kola the next time I see her. She won't like hearing it, but that’s what friends are for.

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Indonesian police ban

Indonesia’s chief of police has banned men with artificially enlarged penises from the force. A wise policy in my view. Victims of crime are already in a state of shock and don’t need a visit from Officer Cobra Pants. It's not easy to describe an offender’s features to someone with a zucchini in his trousers. It might be a different story if policemen wore kilts, but that would open up another can of worms. A law enforcer who can’t kick a suspect’s behind without exposing himself is fatally flawed as a crime fighter.

The one exception I’d make is for officers working in the Vice Squad. It’s common knowledge that well-endowed policemen get more respect from prostitutes and pimps. They’re harder to bribe for one thing. A working girl would think twice about offering a freebie to a man whose appendage might damage the source of her income. I don’t know which squad was involved in the recent round-up of beach gigolos in Bali, but I hope they measured up to the task. You don’t want policemen getting an inferiority complex from manhandling gigolos.

Are the Indonesian police yearning for greater groin mass to compensate for another inadequacy? Perhaps their standard issue handgun is one of those puny little pistols used by gamblers in the Old West to threaten a rival under the table. A cop won’t feel secure in his virility unless you equip him with a piece like the 44-Magnum. I bet Dirty Harry never gave a second thought to the size of his dick when he was blowing away all the punks and psychos who crossed his path.

When I was in the circus we never called the police, preferring in-house solutions to our security problems. The midgets looked out for pickpockets and bottom-pinchers in the crowds that assembled before the show, keeping me informed by walkie-talkie. If they reported any funny business, I swung over on a guy rope and apprehended the suspect with the long arm of the gorilla. Very little violence was required. To the pickpockets, I simply said:

“You’ve got a choice: you can give what you stole to me, or you can give it to the lions.”

They always gave it to me.

A different approach was required for the bottom pinchers. I gave them a speech along the following lines:

“A pox on your groping fingers, you saucy knave! Apologize for your indecent act or I’ll rip off your pants and expose your grubby gonads to the world! And be sure to repent with downcast eyes or I’ll give your nose a tweak you’ll feel until the next solar eclipse!”

The recipients of the pinch were generally satisfied with the apology, often adding their own acerbic remarks to compound the miscreant’s humiliation. In a few cases, it must be said, the victim behaved in a manner that suggested she had mixed feeling about her experience. One particularly buxom lady even asked her assailant for a date. He didn’t dare refuse under the menace of my stern gaze.

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