Girls behaving badly

A correspondent draws my attention to a couple of examples of unladylike behaviour, urging me to seek out the women involved and admonish them. While agreeing that their conduct was deplorable, I reject the idea that I should personally intervene. My job is to observe and reflect rather than punish. Don Bananas I am not.

The first case concerns a singer called Nicki Minaj, whose fame has yet to penetrate the rainforests of the Congo. After cancelling a scheduled performance because of a throat complaint, she grew enraged when some of her fans had the cheek to express disappointment. This is the message she tweeted in response to their complaints:

“I was in jeopardy of losing my voice entirely and needing surgery on my vocal chord. If u can’t understand that, your mother’s a WHORE!”

I would classify her last remark as a non-sequitur of the highest order. After further bickering, she instructed her critics to “eat shit and die”.

It’s worth mentioning that eating shit, although unpleasant, is rarely fatal. Very few animals have poisonous dung. One that does is the honey badger, which feasts on deadly snakes and excretes their venom in its poo. If Miss Minaj had been more astute, she would have told her disgruntled fans to “eat the shit of a honey badger” and left it at that. The words “and die” would have been redundant as death would have followed automatically. Perhaps her few remaining fans should explain this to her, so she can insult them with greater erudition next time.

The second uncouth wench whose deeds I was apprised of is an unnamed 40-something Swedish woman. She has been charged with harassment for despoiling the person and possessions of a 21-year-old man. This fellow was either her boyfriend or some likely lad she had designs on – the precise nature of their relationship has not been disclosed.

The alleged acts were committed after the young man went to bed following an argument with the woman. After he fell asleep, she got into his bed and urinated on him. She then got out of bed and emptied the remaining contents of her bladder on the man’s sofa.

Vexatious though these unauthorised emictions must have been, I think the aggrieved party should have sought satisfaction by issuing a cleaning bill rather than pressing criminal charges. Now that the courts are involved, he will surely be cross-examined about the nature of the dispute than preceded the passing of water. It seems probable that he had rejected the woman’s advances, causing her to behave like the fury which hell hath not.

Much will depend on how this rejection was framed. If he had simply said “Sorry, I’m too tired”, no one could accuse him of insensitivity. But if he had said something like “Leave me alone, droopy tits!” the defendant could legitimately claim some degree of provocation. This wouldn’t excuse her crime, of course. If you are spurned, you should sleep with someone else rather than pissing on your spurner.

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Reservoir dog

I hear the authorities in Portland have drained an 8-million gallon reservoir because a man was filmed urinating in it. 

“Nobody wants to drink pee,” said the head of the city’s water bureau. 

Who gave him the authority to speak for mankind? I know for a fact that many humans are dedicated piss-drinkers, convinced of the fluid’s therapeutic properties. A celebrated exponent of the practice is the English actress Sarah Miles, whom I met many years ago after a circus show. 

“Miss Miles, how delightful to meet you!” I said. “What a fine performance you gave in Ryan’s Daughter! You must have been pretty uncomfortable when Robert Mitchum slumped on top of you in the wedding night scene.” 

“Thank you, GB,” she said smiling coyly. “Fortunately I emptied my bladder into a thermos flask before we shot that scene. It gave me something to drink during the tea break.” 

“How fascinating!” I exclaimed. “Did it taste good?” 

“It’s a bit like weak beer,” she said. “Would you like to try some? 

“Thank you, Sarah, but we gorillas have no need of beverages. We get all the moisture we need from our lush and fruity diet.” 

It goes without saying that I would have rather sucked a frog dry than sample Sarah’s effluence, but one has to be tactful when refusing a woman’s water. She went on to say that drinking your own pee protects you against allergies and poisons any parasites in your blood. I almost believed her. 

But let’s get back to the Portland piddler. By my calculation, the concentration of urine in the reservoir following the unlawful micturation was one part in 100 million. This is less than the concentration in the sea (where fish relieve themselves continuously) and far less than the concentration in swimming pools, which human infants use as pissoirs. Thus, the decision to drain the reservoir cannot be explained as a public health precaution. 

Perhaps the real reason for pulling the plug on all that water was to protect the honour of the city’s residents. Taking a leak on another person’s property has been an act of ritual humiliation since the Bronze Age, when the Assyrians pissed in the wells of their enemies. Witness the rage of the suburban householder whose flowers beds are watered by a neighbour’s dog, even though the nitrogen-rich dog-pee is a tonic for thirsty plants. 

Another possibility is that the fellow chose to empty his bladder into the reservoir because it was too big a target to miss. As every lavatory attendant knows, the human male is a remarkably inaccurate pisser. My friend Lady Chuffington has a grand home in England which contains several bathrooms and standalone lavatories. In every one of them is a sign with the following instructions on it: 

IF YOU SPRINKLE WHEN YOU TINKLE 

PLEASE BE NEAT AND WIPE THE SEAT 

As no human males reside in the property, the sign is purely for visitors. Shaming men into cleaning up their mess is more tactful than telling them to pee sitting down, which would be an affront to their manhood. 

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