Paris Hilton: a misunderstood young lady

I confess I had no idea who Paris Hilton was when a middle-aged American woman mentioned her the other day. News travels slowly in the Congo, and our weekly consignment of Hello! magazine goes directly to the foreign embassies in Brazzaville. She complained that Miss Hilton had become an inspiring figure for her teenage daughter, who apparently regards the convivial lifestyle of the blonde heiress as worthy of emulation. This was regrettable, the woman said, because Miss Hilton was a superficial trollop of negligible mental capacity.

Those were harsh words indeed. When someone speaks ill of an unfamiliar female, my response is always to roll my eyes pensively without comment. One should never speak loosely of a lady until one has the facts at one’s fingertips. I’m not the kind of ape who’ll blandly accept a charge as proven without investigating the matter to his own satisfaction. Is Miss Hilton really a good-time girl who’ll drop her knickers for any beefcake stud who leers lecherously at her legs? That’s the oft-repeated accusation, but where is the hard evidence? Throwing mud at a woman’s underwear is much easier than making it stick to her thighs.

So I did some research, examining the documentary evidence in Playboy, and other reliable sources. It seems that a lot of people don’t like the young chit. Typical comments from the readers of these esteemed publications range from the allegorical (“Paris is like a fart in a mitten. You know it's there, you can't stand it, but you can't get rid of it.”) to the supplicatory (Would you please drop dead or commit suicide, you damn slut!). Being unpopular, however, is no reliable indicator of a person’s character. Was not Joan of Arc unpopular with the English villains who tied her to a stake and immolated her? I’m not going to condemn a woman just because a few supercilious nobodies post intemperate remarks on a message board. I will judge this young lady by her deeds.

The facts are as follows: Inherited wealth notwithstanding, Miss Hilton has amassed a sizable personal fortune by excelling in activities such as modelling, the promotion of cosmetics and a co-authored memoir. This may account for her unpopularity, given that lower-ranking humans are easily excited to envy. As to her personal life, it must be admitted that Miss Hilton has been courted by a succession of frisky young bucks lacking in the qualities associated with gentlemen. But it would be wrong to leap to the conclusion that she has been profligate with her sexual favours. She describes her attitude to her suitors as follows: “I like the way guys go crazy when they can't have sex with you. If he can't have you, he stays interested. The moment he has you, he's gone.” Pursuant to this philosophy, she claims to have taken a vow of sexual abstinence earlier this year.

Thus, far from being the wanton harlot of common misperception, Paris is in fact guilty of the lesser sin of being a “prick-teaser”. I won’t berate her for this as long as she does eventually submit to an alpha male, bearing him a healthy brood into the bargain. If I were Miss Hilton’s chaperone, I would take her to a mansion overlooking the Zambezi and give her some novels by the late Barbara Cartland to read. It’s important for a successful woman not to lose sight of the fact that surrendering to a strapping polo player can bring forth delights that will make money and fame appear tame by comparison.

Paris Hilton-Because America loves it's loose diamonds - brought to you by Carls Jr.
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