A new direction

An American visitor resembling Quentin Tarantino explains his plan for seducing a former beauty queen in his tour party. He confidentially informs me that he will look directly into her eyes and declare:

“I’m going to give you a new direction.”

The idea behind this statement is that the woman will subconsciously hear the words:

“I’m going to give you a nude erection.”

This will subliminally implant the image of a phallus in her brain, causing her vulva to engorge and dilate like that of a female gorilla in oestrus. She will then drop her pants and bend over for the man to do his stuff.

I watch him closely as he shuffles up to the woman and stares at her like a hungry coyote. He drops his bombshell. She makes a face like a chimpanzee smelling a hippo fart and puts on her shades before walking away brusquely. I know not the condition of her vulva, but imagine it to be constricted as tightly as the anus of an ostrich having its tail feathers plucked.

I shake my head and gaze sadly into the blue African sky. A male gorilla takes no pleasure in witnessing a fellow primate make a hash of his species’ mating rituals. If only the man had been here a few months ago to observe a master in action. This gentleman was another American, resembling the actor John Cusack. While tending at the bar, I watched him exchange pleasantries with the female guests during the cocktail hour. One of them asked him what he did back home.

“Right now, I’m taking a break from wife-hunting in South Dakota,” he said a little sheepishly.

The ladies were evidently intrigued by this admission and spent the rest of the evening questioning the man about his plans and ambitions. The youngest and prettiest female in the party fluttered around him like a moth near a candle, gently tugging at his jacket sleeve to get his attention. She and the man quickly developed an understanding. By the end of the safari, they understood each other very well indeed.

Let’s analyse the key words in the man’s statement to see why it was so effective.


Indicates to females that he is ready to commit his worldly goods to the right woman until death-us-do-part (or shirt-off-his-back in earlier divorce settlement).

Taking a break from…

Indicates to females that he will not put them on the spot by suddenly popping the question, causing untold embarrassment and sweaty knickers.

South Dakota

Isn’t that a giant cornfield where tractors outnumber people? Why is he limiting his choice to a handful of straw-chewing farm girls? This young man needs to broaden his horizons!

The final point of interest about the statement is whether there was any truth in it. Having examined the man’s paperwork at the safari camp, I cannot pronounce definitively on this question. But given that he identified himself as an insurance salesman residing in New York City, I am inclined to scepticism.

It’s a tough world for the single girl, having to make on-the-spot judgements about whether a man is an honest suitor or just honestly dying for a fuck. Following every date with a lie-detector test has been known to kill the romance in a relationship. I wish I could offer some foolproof advice, but can only suggest that she look for inconsistencies and use her feminine intuition.

Gorilla Bananas can’t solve all of your problems.

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