The matrimonial market

Is $250,000 per annum a meagre income? I ask because a 25-year-old nymph residing in New York deems it an insufficient salary for the man fit to wed her. This delectable damsel (“spectacularly beautiful” in her own modest words) posed the following query on a popular message board:

I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year… Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who made an average of around 200 - 250K. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock.

On reading this, I felt very relieved not to be acquainted with the young lady. Frankly, I would be ashamed of my inability to give her useful advice. It’s bad enough being asked directions by confused tourists when I’m taking a vacation in London. They have no right to expect a gorilla to know where the Spearmint Rhino club is, but I still feel obliged to say something helpful.

I suppose the first thing to ascertain is whether she is indeed worthy of a husband earning $500,000 per annum. She certainly seems to think so, but her judgement may lack impartiality. To snare a half-million-dollar man, a woman needs more than a pretty face and an attractive figure. She’s got to look good naked as well. Perhaps she ought to have her body examined from head to toe by one of those characters who look for the mark of the Devil on witches. The thing to be especially wary of is an unsightly birthmark on the posterior. It may seem like a trivial point, but a wealthy businessman doesn’t want to see something resembling Papua New Guinea when he’s preparing to mount his wife from behind.

Then there’s the question of how much of the half million she requires for personal expenses. Suppose she negotiates $100,000, which would be generous with free board and lodging. What can her husband expect in return? Sex on demand would be out of the question – a wife is not a whore and deserves the same entitlement to sick leave as other employees. For that amount of money, however, he ought to have the right to see her naked whenever he wants, possibly as an aid to self-stimulation. There must be safeguards, of course. Exhibiting her naked in front of his bodyguards, as the Emperor Caligula did to his own wife, would be unacceptable. He’d have to earn at least a million to do that.

I wish her the best of luck in her quest, but I have to wonder whether she knows what she’s doing. Making deals of this nature requires careful negotiation and a watertight contract. If you want to milk the assets of a prosperous business man, you can’t wait for the divorce to get legal advice. Only by driving a hard bargain from day one will you be adequately compensated for being ogled, pawed and paraded like a trophy. Perhaps she should get an MBA before attempting to pull off such a complex transaction.

Speaking as a gorilla, I have to be honest and say that females who market themselves on the basis of physical beauty do not have a high status in our hairy community. We have a saying:

She who is not fertile learns how to pick coconuts; she who cannot climb trees learns how to forage for berries; and she who is allergic to berries puts on mascara and flutters her eyelids.
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