Mailbag Blues

One of the problems with living in the jungle is the unreliable postal service. The minute you pay one troupe of monkeys to deliver the mail, their rivals get jealous and start mugging the bag carriers and eating the letters. They’ll only stop their sabotage if you pay them as well, which annoys the mail monkeys. “Why should we haul postbags through the trees when they’re getting paid for doing nothing?” is their complaint. I’ve tried telling them the New Testament parable about the workmen in the vineyard, but it doesn’t impress them. Jesus is viewed with suspicion by monkeys – they see him as a colluder with business interests and the propertied classes.

I take no consolation from the fact that my hairless cousins are often similarly inconvenienced. Dr Whipsnade was recently in a huff about the British Royal Mail, which had suspended all services after its employees went on strike. Now you won’t find a millionaire more supportive of workers’ rights than the good doctor. When the fire fighters withdrew their labour, he made a point of visiting the picket lines and handing out packets of Doritos with a sour cream dip. However Larson Whipsnade is an avid reader of periodicals, and cannot tolerate interruptions to his weekly deliveries of The Mayfair Man, The Soho Squire and The Bloomsbury Tit (an ornithological newsletter). When I asked him about the pay and working conditions of British postal workers, he rapped his cane angrily against a sculpture in his drawing room.

“I’d like to tie their lazy hides to a dog sleigh!” he growled.

Yet whatever one says about the Royal Mail, they have many high horses to ride before matching the piously pigheaded postal workers of Canada. These moose-brained zealots are
refusing to deliver mail on the spurious grounds that it contains pornographic images. It is indicative of the dismal moral climate in Canada that mailmen now believe they are entitled to inspect their cargo and scour it for titillating pictures.

As it turned out, the supposedly obscene material was merely a pamphlet published by the Sex Party, a miniscule political grouping campaigning for the rights of prostitutes, voyeurs and couples addicted to dogging. Quite understandably, they are suing Canada Post and using the accompanying media interest to publicise their platform.

“We are the first political party dedicated exclusively to sex-positive issues,
declared party secretary Rufus Horn. Regular, energetic coitus purges the body of toxins and liberates the spirit from hostile and aggressive emotions.

This is an entirely bogus theory, as it happens. Lions mate continually when the females are in season and it doesn't alter their nature one iota. They snarl, grimace and bite before they do it, while they are doing it, and after they have done it. It is a common human fallacy to suppose that getting laid frequently can change you into a different person.

Yet much as I pooh-pooh their philosophy, I defend their right to disseminate it by way of post. It is not for the mailman to examine the documents he is entrusted to deliver and withhold the saucier items from distribution. That sort of officious meddling should be left to the Vice Squad.

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