The alien menace

A Japanese government minister says he believes in UFOs. Hats off to the man for speaking his mind rather than telling people what they want to hear. He may still be talking codswallop, of course. If alien spaceships have visited the Earth, their occupants have been pretty cagey about the whole thing. I don’t know about you, but if I’d travelled half way across the galaxy to a new world, the first thing I’d do is make contact with the local chiefs. I’d present them with the finest gifts that the Solar System has to offer – sparkling gemstones, pompadour wigs, antique nose-hair clippers and so forth. If they had any sense of hospitality, they’d then feel obliged to give me a suite in their swankiest hotel with 24-hour room service.

Anyway, I announced this piece of news at the safari camp, whose guests included the American comic Orlando Jones. Professional comedians go on vacation to take a break from being funny, so I wasn’t expecting anything more than polite conversation. I told him Japan’s defence minister was mulling over the legality of using military force against flying saucers.

“If they’re not bothering people, why not leave them be?” asked Mr Jones. “Let them do their research and stuff and go home.”

“Some people claim to have been abducted by aliens,” I replied. “They say they were removed from their beds at night and taken to a spaceship.”

“No shit, what they do to them?” asked Mr Jones.

“They say the aliens surgically milked their gonads so they could use the sperm or eggs to make new humans.”

“Aww man!” exclaimed Mr Jones. “That’s a ASSAULT! First thing I’m doing when I get home is order a dessert from Burger King. If the aliens sneak up on me at night I’m saying ‘Hey man, there’s a whole ice-cream cup of my man-goo on the table. Take as much as you need, baby, coz I ain’t into your shit with the knives and the tubes.’”

How everyone laughed! Mr Jones quickly got into his stride to brighten up the evening with more jive-ass humour.

On due reflection, the aliens are probably wise not to give conclusive evidence of their presence. Just imagine how the devoutly religious would react, first conferring with their learned beardies about what it all meant, then proclaiming the aliens were fulfilling some ancient prophecy about Armageddon or the Horseface of the Apocalypse. If I were the alien leader, I’d be tempted to announce I was a prophet and give them a new holy book saying that God wants his children to pretend they’re atheists… apart from Dicky Dawkins, who has to host a new Praise the Lord TV channel.

Even the non-believing types would be pretty disturbed about the whole thing. Deep down, most humans are anthrocentric. For all their faux self-criticism, they’ve got used to thinking of themselves as the smartest dudes in the universe. Finding out there are 1000 more intelligent life forms in the galaxy, of which 921 are prettier and funnier as well, would be a crushing blow to the human ego. I bet a lot of these aliens also have incredible sex lives, with orgasms lasting over an hour. That might be the bitterest pill of all for humans to swallow – especially for a certain type of woman who is strangely jealous about that kind of thing. Don’t ask me why.

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