Have you ever heard of something called “net neutrality”? It’s supposed to be the great moral principle of a free internet. Miss Tania Derveaux feels very strongly about it, possibly because she fears that surfers might be deprived of the right to ogle pictures of her naked body. Such is her commitment to the cause that she has offered to have sex with any man who:
(i) can prove he upholds net neutrality;
(ii) is a virgin.
The casual reader might wonder what virginity has to do with it. Nothing at all, it seems. It’s just Miss Derveaux’s way of limiting those queuing up to bonk her to a manageable number. Be that as it may, thousands of eager teenagers have already signed up for the Tania experience, while countless others are no doubt asking their doctors whether male virginity can be surgically restored. The latter group are certainly barking up the wrong trouser-leg. The manager of the safari camp assures me that a man regains 90% of his virginity if he goes without sex for a year. Presumably the remaining 10% can be recovered by washing the genitals in strawberry milkshake.
Miss Derveaux will have to watch out for crafty rogues who profess to be virgins just to get into her pants. Is it possible for a man to fake virginity? My sources tell me it’s as easy as fried green tomatoes. You just walk up to a woman with a sheepish expression on your face and follow her instructions when she takes you to bed. To reinforce the deception, you might annotate the sexual frolics with remarks such as “This isn’t in the manual!” and “So that’s where it is!”. But it’s important not to overplay your hand by saying unbelievable things like “Mmm, it tastes much better than I thought it would!”.
The bogus-virgin problem hints at a deeper dilemma with Tania’s offer. Call me a pious ape, but the whole idea of providing sexual favours to promote a worthy cause looks suspect to me. The man who must be bribed to do good deeds is a fair-weather convert of the shallowest sort - the calibre of fellow, I would say, who will renege on his commitments as soon as a woman with a nicer pair of boobs comes along. Speaking as a male gorilla, I never accept sexual favours from my females in return for bringing them food or protecting them from marauders. “Virtue is its own reward,” I tell them, “come back in an hour when your hearts are filled with benevolence rather than gratitude.” (An hour is usually long enough for a refreshing snooze to recharge the batteries).
I’m not suggesting that any virgin should actually say ‘No’ to Miss Derveaux. That would be a scandalous waste of an attractive woman. The important thing is to insist that no amount of hanky panky can dictate one’s position on internet freedom. Before unbuckling his trouser belt, the honourable male virgin would make the following statement:
“I hear what you say about net neutrality, Tania. It sounds like a sensible policy and I’ll certainly look into it after you’ve had your way with me. But a quid pro quo is out of the question. Take me for my own sake and I will reflect on your persuasive arguments. Now let’s get naked.”
The world would be a much happier place if men made clear-headed declarations before jumping into bed with the first available woman.
(i) can prove he upholds net neutrality;
(ii) is a virgin.
The casual reader might wonder what virginity has to do with it. Nothing at all, it seems. It’s just Miss Derveaux’s way of limiting those queuing up to bonk her to a manageable number. Be that as it may, thousands of eager teenagers have already signed up for the Tania experience, while countless others are no doubt asking their doctors whether male virginity can be surgically restored. The latter group are certainly barking up the wrong trouser-leg. The manager of the safari camp assures me that a man regains 90% of his virginity if he goes without sex for a year. Presumably the remaining 10% can be recovered by washing the genitals in strawberry milkshake.
Miss Derveaux will have to watch out for crafty rogues who profess to be virgins just to get into her pants. Is it possible for a man to fake virginity? My sources tell me it’s as easy as fried green tomatoes. You just walk up to a woman with a sheepish expression on your face and follow her instructions when she takes you to bed. To reinforce the deception, you might annotate the sexual frolics with remarks such as “This isn’t in the manual!” and “So that’s where it is!”. But it’s important not to overplay your hand by saying unbelievable things like “Mmm, it tastes much better than I thought it would!”.
The bogus-virgin problem hints at a deeper dilemma with Tania’s offer. Call me a pious ape, but the whole idea of providing sexual favours to promote a worthy cause looks suspect to me. The man who must be bribed to do good deeds is a fair-weather convert of the shallowest sort - the calibre of fellow, I would say, who will renege on his commitments as soon as a woman with a nicer pair of boobs comes along. Speaking as a male gorilla, I never accept sexual favours from my females in return for bringing them food or protecting them from marauders. “Virtue is its own reward,” I tell them, “come back in an hour when your hearts are filled with benevolence rather than gratitude.” (An hour is usually long enough for a refreshing snooze to recharge the batteries).
I’m not suggesting that any virgin should actually say ‘No’ to Miss Derveaux. That would be a scandalous waste of an attractive woman. The important thing is to insist that no amount of hanky panky can dictate one’s position on internet freedom. Before unbuckling his trouser belt, the honourable male virgin would make the following statement:
“I hear what you say about net neutrality, Tania. It sounds like a sensible policy and I’ll certainly look into it after you’ve had your way with me. But a quid pro quo is out of the question. Take me for my own sake and I will reflect on your persuasive arguments. Now let’s get naked.”
The world would be a much happier place if men made clear-headed declarations before jumping into bed with the first available woman.
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Tania Derveaux /
virginity
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