An insurance broker tells me that a prostitute has applied for a job with his firm.
“How do you know she was on the game?” I ask.
“She told me to my face as bold as brass!” he exclaims. “She said it was how she paid her way through college!”
I advise him to proceed with caution. Prostitutes are well-qualified to be financial advisers, but you have to check their references very carefully. Did she always explain the contract to her clients in layman’s language? Did she give refunds to men who lost their bottle at the last minute? Did she sell many products that went bust (and nowhere else)? Being an unsentimental cash accumulator is all very well, but without professional ethics things go tits-up pretty quickly.
Let no one forget that a pair of upper-class courtesans were behind the most infamous financial scandal in history. The Countess of Darlington and Duchess of Kendall lured men of means into buying shares of the ethereal South Sea Company, cleverly selling their own holdings shortly before the bubble burst in 1720. Bewigged squires rendered shirtless by their imprudence railed in fury at their predicament:
“We have been undone by whores!” thundered one outraged victim. “And vexatious whores!”
They were undone, of course, by their own folly and greed. The first rule of investment is that crowds are inherently stupid. The second is that whores always sell at the top of the market.
Someone once asked me whether a gentleman should ever pay for sex. I replied that a gentleman should always pay for sex, if only to reassure the lady that she is worth it. If a cash gift is too crude, he should buy her flowers or a meal. It is psychologically helpful for the male to feel he is lucky to have got into the female’s pants, as he will then make the most of an opportunity that may not recur. The minute it becomes obvious that she wants it more than him, he begins to lose interest and his balls start to ache. I always give my females a treat of nuts or berries before mounting them, even if they’re in oestrus and gagging for it. They usually hurl them contemptuously into the air, but it’s the thought that counts.
Of course, a woman can make a fortune in the sex industry without selling her body to any slobbering oaf with a fat wallet. A 49-year-old divorcee did so by inventing the ultimate female sex aid. After years of frustration, she converted her vacuum cleaner into an instrument for pleasuring herself with pulses of vibrating air. It is claimed that the device can make a woman climax in a mere ten seconds, a feat which not even the Lone Ranger or Zorro could have accomplished.
Some people belittle sex toys as cheap substitutes for the emotional and physical fulfilment of a loving relationship. This may be true, but isn’t a cheap substitute better than an expensive one? And what devoted lover could make a woman come in ten seconds? As we say in the jungle: orgasm first, relationship later.
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