Animal news

Austrian dairy farmers have forced their cows to participate in a beauty pageant. The contestants were examined in minute detail before a heifer called Wappiti was pronounced the winner.

“Her measurements are almost perfect and her udders are excellent!" drooled Rudolf Hussel, the head judge.

I bet that dirty old man couldn’t wait to get his hands on her teats. The whole event seems terribly sexist to me. A cow is more than a shapely rump and a juicy set of udders. She has hopes and dreams beyond satisfying the babyish human fetish for drinking milk. Allowing her assets to be ogled by a bunch of hayseeds is degrading in the extreme. If I were a bull, I’d take the first flight to Austria and give those degenerate farmers a taste of my horn. Then I would lead the liberated cows into green pastures before mounting them one by one.

Rescuing females from unjust oppression is a noble pursuit for the male of the species, particularly if the rescued females then give their gallant hero unlimited poontang for his pains. The cleverest men in history were the fellows who supported the suffragettes by getting into punch-ups on their behalf. A few cuts and bruises were a price well worth paying to be fussed over tenderly by those passionate young ladies. I’m sure the feminist movement would achieve all its aims if it solicited the support of more vigorous young men. Sometimes the best way of realising your dreams is to get into bed with your supposed enemies.

Sadly, it’s not just Austrian peasants who are treating animals disrespectfully. A BBC film crew
deliberately goaded a swan into a violent tantrum for their TV show. They did this by bribing canoeists to invade the swan’s territory and poke its tail. The hapless creature tried to swim away at first, but after being goosed up the river for 200 yards it turned on its tormentors and snapped at them viciously.

The RSPCA have spoken up for the swan, rightly condemning the BBC as shameless bird molesters. If only they knew that similar chicanery occurs in wildlife documentaries. Have you ever wondered why so many nature films shot in Africa include footage of chimpanzees going berserk? Chimps are excitable apes, but they don’t run around screeching without good cause.

Davy Attenborough was very evasive about this when I asked him what was going on. Eventually he confessed under my relentless cross-examination.

“We usually prepare for the shoot by scattering photos of trussed-up hairy men being whipped by a dominatrix,” he said. “This puts the chimps on edge. Then we get the dominatrix to appear in person, riding through the chimp colony on horseback while cracking her whip. The chimps become hysterical, which is when we start filming. I’m not proud of it, GB, but we don’t have the budget to hang around for months until something natural agitates them.”

“You’re a very naughty boy, Davy,” I declared sternly. “You must atone for your roguish deception by letting my females play with you.”

Davy gulped and hung his head, but I assured him he had nothing to fear. My females always go easy on famous naturalists.

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