An Australian tourist mentions a news item from his native land.
“Psychologists from the University of Queensland have noticed that guys on skateboards do more risky stunts when pretty girls are watching them,” he says.
“How very intriguing,” I remark politely. “Why would they do that?”
“The academics think it’s instinctive behaviour to scare off rivals. Isn’t that how you gorillas behave?”
“Only when we're pissed on fermented coconut milk,” I reply. “And speaking personally, I wouldn’t be intimidated by the sight of a rival risking injury to himself.”
“You wouldn’t? So what would you do if you saw another silverback swinging from a branch by his feet?”
“I would find a comfortable log to sit on and watch him making an ass of himself – preferably while eating a tub of popcorn.”
“Yeah? And what about your females?”
“They might join me if they were bored. Female gorillas aren’t easily impressed. I once rode a zebra rodeo-style and they called me Wild Bill Hiccup. Or was it Buffalo Bull?”
“Cheeky Sheilas! The Queensland study didn’t say whether the pretty girls were impressed by any of the skateboarders.”
“It’s doubtful, isn’t it? Those Australian lads were probably imitating male baboons. That’s what happens when you show too many wildlife programs on TV.”
I later ponder the issues raised in our discussion. The first point to make is that women who require men to perform daring deeds for them are ball-breakers. Their vanity befits an era in which knights on horseback went around poking their lances into everyone’s business. A damsel who expects that kind of service will never be content. After her champion has satisfied her carnal needs she will nag him to go out and buy her ice cream. High-maintenance women create a lot of exhausted men.
As for those Aussie skateboarders, what they really need is some quality time with Brigitta Bulgari, the Hungarian porn star who was unjustly imprisoned for allowing teenage boys to feel her up. Her lawyer was obviously an incompetent courtroom advocate. The closing speech for the defence should have been something like this:
“Members of the jury, you must put aside all feelings of envy in reaching your verdict. However undeserving you consider those boys to be, Miss Bulgari committed no crime in allowing them to grope her succulent flesh. The ladies among you must not allow your disapproval of Miss Bulgari’s licentious conduct to cloud your judgement. Yes, she is a hoochie, but she works in the hoochie industry. However wanton her behaviour might appear to respectable matrons and spinsters, it is how she makes an honest living – or a living at any rate. And please ignore any instructions from the learned judge, who would have done what those boys did if he weren’t so scared of his wrinkly-titted wife.”
You don’t need to have a brilliant legal mind to convince a fair-minded jury to acquit a woman guilty of nothing more than allowing boys to give her an exotic massage. I reckon I could have got her off myself.
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