Lone Knut

A mentally disturbed polar bear in Berlin Zoo is getting a lot of sympathy from animal rights groups. Raised by the Germans since he was a cub, Knut quickly learned to perform stunts that went beyond sniffing another bear’s arse. His audiences grew to love his zany antics and hurrahed him wildly in the traditional German manner. Unfortunately he got addicted to the adulation, and now gets nervous tics whenever his fans are absent. PETA has demanded his de-knackering to calm him down. These animal rights activists know the meaning of tough love. 

What Knut really needs is a kick up the backside. He reminds me of circus performers I knew who suffered withdrawal symptoms when they weren’t showing off in the ring. For my own part, I saw the off-season as an opportunity for philanthropic work. I spent a fair amount of time at Dr Whipsnade’s finishing school for aspiring young ladies, where I gave classes in repartee and self-defence. Hundreds of girls from all walks of life were tutored in the Bananas technique. I got this email from a former pupil last week: 

Dear GB, 

Your invaluable training served me grandly when some pot-bellied navvies wolf-whistled me today. In exactly the way you taught us, I gave them the gorilla stare and the crush-your-bollocks hand gesture. Their manhood seemed to shrivel before my very eyes.

I’m still practising the toe exercises and getting better at them!

Hope to see you next time you’re in England. 

Love and more love 

D****** 

I don’t consider myself to be an unduly emotional ape, but this warm tribute from a grateful student made my heart soar like a lappet-faced vulture. The next time we meet I shall challenge her to a friendly toe-wrestle – I might even let her win. 

Another hobby of mine was archaeology. After dirtying my hands in most of the digs in south-east England, I soon became adept at identifying fragments. When dilettanti volunteers got excited on unearthing a piece of bone, I was the one who congratulated them on discovering the mortal remains of one of Colonel Sanders’ finest. My greatest find was a gladiator’s jockstrap, dated to the reign of Antoninus Pius. I believe Russell Crowe wore a smaller replica in his famous film role. 

Getting back to the polar bear issue, it seems that Knut is one of 30 in Germany with behavioural problems. Could the Germans themselves be to blame? History suggests they have a weakness for idolising over-the-top performers who end up losing their marbles. It can’t be easy for a polar bear to bask in the acclaim of thigh-slapping crowds during the day, only to be left alone with a bucket of fish in the evening. 

These neurotic bears should be moved to a country where the zoos are visited by lumpen elements who taunt and heckle the animals. It has to be Wales, hasn’t it? Whatever you say about the Welsh, their yobbos can be trusted to keep a polar bear’s feet on the ground. 

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