She's bad!

A German grandmother aged 50 has embarked on a career as a Michael Jackson impersonator. Before fans of the late great Jacko bite their kneecaps in horror, they should note that Großmutter Christine Guntrip is eminently qualified for the role, having shed 32 kg to make herself as svelte as MJ, and studiously avoided sunlight to keep herself as pale. Obviously she will sing the songs in a German accent, with the odd “ich” and “liebe” thrown in, but you can’t have everything. 

Frau Guntrip laughed off suggestions that she would be putting vegetables in her knickers to bridge the gender divide: 

“When you get to my age, there is enough natural stuff down there to fool the casual observer,” she explained. “Maybe I will stick a little zwiebel inside before doing dances where the crotch is making in-out movements.” 

This seems like a sensible approach. I find it hard to believe that Jacko’s fans were remotely interested in the contents of his underpants – indeed, only his detractors seemed preoccupied with such matters. I would advise Frau Guntrip to take her act to Las Vegas, where the celebrity impersonator is a respected pillar of the community. In that golden city, Elvis Presley look-alikes officiate weddings, sell life assurance and give children lessons in road safety. If she can’t make it there, she may as well throw in the towel… and throw out the zwiebel. 

The one big thing in her favour is her age. A 50-year old woman has many natural advantages as an entertainer: her face is more expressive, her voice is more confident and her wobbly bits make her more suited to comedy. It is the perfect time in a woman’s life to throw caution to the wind and let it all hang out. 

Back in my circus days, I was often approached by nubile young women who dreamt of a show business career. If they were hoping for encouragement, they had come to the wrong ape. 

“Don’t do it!” I exclaimed. “You will be deceived and exploited by lecherous impresarios at every turn! Now is the time in your life to find a stable occupation or a rich husband. Don’t even think about entertaining the masses until you have passed your child-bearing years and acquired a solid foundation.” 

More often than not, women who hit the big time at a tender age go off the rails. Consider the case of Marianne Faithful, who became a successful pop singer at the age of 19. Premature stardom went to her pretty little head, causing her to leave her respectable husband for the Rolling Stones. As she later wrote in her autobiography: 

"My first move was to get a Rolling Stone as a boyfriend. I slept with three and decided the lead singer was the best bet." 

Her licentious conniving did her no good. Jagger was obviously a very bad influence, inspiring her to mimic his degenerate lifestyle of drug-taking and debauchery. Among her many notorious deeds was an act of self-penetration with a chocolate bar at a libertine party in Soho. However successful Frau Guntrip is in her new career, I am pretty confident that her coochie will remain a chocolate-free zone.

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