Chinese whispers

So the Chinese government launched a cyber-war against Google after a politburo member googled his own name and found he was as highly-regarded as a hornet on a horse’s arse. A classic example of shooting the messenger, I would say. Here is some friendly advice for Mr Li Changchun, minister for propaganda and chopstick torture – if you can’t stand the heat, get your face out of the frying wok. Hacking Google to pieces won’t stop people sticking your name in Ask Jeeves and other search engines. If a billion people think you’re a dickhead, nothing can stem the tide of opprobrium. 

It’s a pity the actions of the Chinese government are overshadowing all the good things emerging from the Middle Kingdom. Consider, for example, the Chinese cheerleading team sent to entertain spectators at the Asian Games. A picture of them is displayed above, so you can gaze at your leisure. After admiring their cheerful little faces and twirly little hip tassels, pay due regard to their flowing locks of hair, gently caressing the tender flesh above and between their pert little jahoobies. While it’s true that their slender bodies are not ideal for making babies, bear in mind that China already has more than enough people. A nation of one-and-a-half billion can afford a few million ornamental females. 

The Chinese cheerleaders were a mixed blessing for some. The captain of Yemen’s volleyball team complained that his players had been put off their game by the presence of these fragrant lotus blossoms. 

“They had an effect on how we played,” said Adeeb Mahfoudh. “I think they had something to do with our losing the match.” 

Before you pour scorn on his assertion, remember that he and his team mates come from a place where women walk around in mobile tents. The sight of pretty oriental girls prancing about in bikinis might easily have caused them to jizz their pants. Effective coordination of motor skills is close to impossible when you’re gnashing your teeth like a badger with its tail in a trap. 

“These girls are very beautiful,” added Mr Mahfoudh. "If I can, I hope to watch them perform at the next match." 

What a fine example of sportsmanship! A lesser captain might have harboured a grudge against the cheerleaders for their part in his team’s defeat. I do hope he managed to introduce himself to the girls and offer them tips on how to avoid distracting players during a game. I feel sure they would have taken his advice to heart. For all their beauty, I doubt they are used to the kind of outright admiration Mr Mahfoudh professes. Most men in China favour the Fu Manchu style of courtship, in which smug boasting and impatient cajoling are combined with mysterious herbal potions. 

The other thing in Mr Mahfoudh’s favour is that Chinese women find big noses sexually attractive. Why they do so is a mystery. I suspect they are subconsciously reminded of dragons, which are viewed as prodigiously sexy beasts in China. If a man has an appendage that women like, he may as well use it to his advantage. 

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