An inside job

The British police are embroiled in yet another scandal. The aggrieved party, on this occasion, consists of women who have been seduced by undercover police officers. Apparently, it is standard operating procedure for detectives who have infiltrated radical protest groups to boink the female activists. It’s seen as the most effective method of proving loyalty to the cause, given that a man who's genuinely feeling righteous passion can never stop it seeping to the loins. 

The scandal erupted when the victims of this undercover hanky-panky realised they’d been duped into sleeping with the enemy. A woman who believes she is treading in the footsteps of Joan of Arc doesn’t appreciate being made to look like a stupid trollop. Being ravished by a reactionary foot soldier of the system is bound to make her feel dirty, no matter how good his deodorant was. 

Having been so fiendishly despoiled, the women are refusing to take it lying down. They’ve formed a new protest group which has picketed Scotland Yard, displaying banners with hard-hitting messages such as “Keep your truncheon in your trousers!” and “You told me the handcuffs were kinky!”. The aim of this agitation is to persuade a high court judge to review the insidious tactics of the police and give them a firm dressing down. 

It would be all too easy to dismiss these women as silly floozies who would drop their knickers for any cross-eyed fellow who mouthed a few appealing political slogans. In reality, the officers selected for this work were hand-picked for their pretty-boy looks and smooth-talking charm. There’s only so much cake and honey a woman can eat before she allows her benefactor to raid her larder. 

Back in my circus days, I comforted several female performers who had been tricked into bed by men who pretended to share their hobbies. 

“Oh, GB!” cried a tearful trainee acrobat. “The troll collection he showed me didn’t even belong to him! He borrowed it from one of the clowns!” 

“There, there,” I replied sympathetically. “I’m sure many girls before you have been deceived by men who masqueraded as collectors of trolls or other cuddly trinkets. Just remember not to be so trusting in future. Any man who claims to own miniature dolls must be interrogated thoroughly until he can prove it beyond a reasonable doubt.” 

As for the undercover officers, they could make amends for their caddish behaviour by leaving the police force and offering to help the groups they spied on. I believe one of these men has already contacted the women he hoodwinked to express contrition and profess a sincere change of heart. 

“I used to be a tool of the establishment,” he wrote to one of his victims, “but after nuzzling your delicious boobies I saw the error of my ways. I am now ready to fight for the cause and bear upon your boobies like a comrade honest and true.” 

If that doesn’t earn him forgiveness, nothing will.

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