The idealism of youth

I’ve just found out about a wonderful charity that campaigns against deforestation. It was set up by young Norwegians and it’s called ‘Fuck for Forest’ (FFF). Their method of raising funds is to have sex in public and collect donations from sponsors and voyeurs. 

These young people are truly the best of their generation. Never before have humans held orgies to ensure that we apes will still have trees to climb. Fans of pornography should also rejoice. They will now be able to watch porn with a clean conscience, knowing that their cash is going to a worthy cause rather than lining the pockets of a dirty old reptile like Hef. They will also have the privilege of seeing fresh-faced amateurs in action, rather than over-milked studs with over-sized meat poles penetrating over-used females with vaginas like buckets. 

It amazes me that not everyone approves of this bold and big-hearted venture. Apparently, the mainstream conservation charities have refused to accept donations from FFF. Mr Horsten Torsten, chairman of the Norwegian chapter of the Rainforest Foundation Fund, made the following statement about them: 

“These silly people just want to have parties and fuck. Those who care about rainforests should contribute directly to us. We will not accept money from the pockets of masturbators and other perverts. Besides, the girls have not shaved their pussies, which doesn’t work in the porn industry except in Japan. Everyone knows that.” 

Mr Torsten should go and shave a reindeer’s pussy. If his stupid organisation doesn’t want to take their money, they should give it directly to field workers like me. I would happily set up a Congo office for FFF, using their cash to protect our beloved forest. Although there aren’t any logging companies in our vicinity, the trees face many threats: termites who chew them; parrots who peck them; monkeys who piss from great heights on them, showing an utter lack of respect. With a moderate amount of funding, I could settle their hash once and for all. 

I shouldn’t leave you with the impression that Norway is the only country where humans agitate for the welfare of their hairy cousins. For many years, we gorillas have had a relationship of mutual empathy with the people of Wales. Their most famous son, Tom Jones, is an honorary gorilla of the highest standing, and a purveyor of music which can bring our females into season. 

I’m glad to say that this tradition of succouring apes is alive and well in Wales. A 21-year-old student of Cardiff University has recently camped in a zoo to raise money for an ape charity. He hung out on Gorilla Island so that visitors would notice the many similarities between humans and us, such as our method of scratching itches. 

My females were so touched to hear of Master Lewis Rowland’s sojourn in Paignton Zoo that they are pestering me to invite him to the Congo. It seems they want to smother him with their own effusive brand of jungle hospitality. I’ll have to make discreet inquiries about his sex life first – it wouldn’t be right for a human lad to lose his virginity to a gang of rampaging female apes.

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