Her master's voice

Boffins from Scotland have made an interesting discovery about human speech. It seems that a man with a deep voice is more likely to imprint his words in a woman’s mind. This gives the huskier dude a huge advantage in the mating game, enabling him to mesmerise women with his guttural utterances, and persuade them to bear his babies. 

I suspect the scientists may be on to something. Back in my circus days, I remember a horse trainer who had a low rumbling voice. He rarely used it, though, being what humans call “the strong, silent type”. Now it came to pass that one of the female acrobats borrowed a corkscrew from him, which she kept forgetting to return. He eventually lost patience with the absent-minded bint and accosted her while she was limbering up for a practice session. 

“Bring it back before sundown or I’ll smack your rump like a stubborn filly!” he boomed. 

So awed was she by this announcement that she ransacked her trailer to find the misplaced item, which was returned to its owner while the sun was still high in the sky. 

Readers of this blog have inquired about the nature of my own voice. It is not particularly low in pitch for a gorilla. To give you a rough idea, I sound deeper and richer than Tom Jones, but shriller than Lurch of the Addams family. It goes without saying that I have never used my voice to gain an unfair advantage over women. My preferred method of getting them to pay attention is to make eye contact when delivering the key words of my address. 

“I like my nuts roasted and unsalted,” I once said to a girl serving snacks from an open air stall, staring deeply into her eyes as I enunciated the last three words. She blushed nervously, but complied with my instructions to the letter. 

It is an interesting coincidence that another bunch of eggheads have been investigating the features of a woman’s voice. Apparently it varies during her monthly cycle, becoming highest in pitch when she is most fertile. This is supposedly a cue for the man in her life to flex his loins for the conjugal endeavour. 

Their theory seems to assume that a woman becomes more alluring to her mate when her voice is shriller. I can’t say I know of a case study which supports this premise. It seems more likely, in my view, that a man would give his missus a good seeing to in the hope of silencing her aggravating screeching. Such a measure would be counterproductive in many cases, of course. 

All in all, it doesn’t seem like something a woman should rely on to get herself knocked up. Far better that she should follow example of her primate sisters. When a female gorilla is in oestrus, she informs the snoozing silverback that she’s ready to mate by curtsying on his face. There’s no point beating around the bush when you’re trying to reproduce. 

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