No weddings and a family

Hugh Grant has finally become a father at the age of 51. God bless him. According to his spokesman, the baby is the product of a “fleeting affair” with Miss Tinglan Hong, a Chinese actress. Hugh is nevertheless delighted to have a daughter and intends to play a role in her upbringing. Not too active a role, one would hope. Chinese infants are taught to respect and obey their parents, which would obviously be a mad thing to do if your father were Hugh Grant. 

Some people are tut-tutting because the couple had unprotected sex when they barely knew each other. They forget that Hugh has STD check-ups as frequently as most porn stars. As for Miss Hong, she may well have been a virgin who was saving herself for Hugh. Ludicrous though it may seem, people in the Far East actually revere him as the epitome of an English gentleman. One hopes he deflowered Miss Hong with the delicacy she would have anticipated.

Whatever the intimate details, the financial settlement appears to be generous. Hugh has already bought Miss Hong a fine house in London, one mile away from his own place. This will allow him to stroll over when the baby needs to be cuddled or listen to goo-goo noises. He seems, for now, to be relishing the prospect of such duties: 

“As much as I adore myself, I’m quite keen to find someone to care about more,” he quipped. 

He has no plans to live with his daughter, of course. Hugh may love his child as much as any father, but that doesn’t give her the right to ruin his beauty sleep. 

The defining event in Hugh’s career occurred in 1995, when he paid a hooker to oblige him orally in the front seat of his BMW. The police caught him in the act and took a famous mug shot, which quickly went round the world. A lesser man would have sulked in the shadows until the story had blown over (so to speak), bitterly brooding on his humiliating fall from grace. What Hugh did was appear in chat shows so he could cheerfully admit to being an ass and grin at the jokes made at his expense. This artful piece of PR ensured he continued to get leading roles in romantic comedies, playing the foppish buffoon we have grown to know and love. 

I was delighted to hear that the prostitute who siphoned Hugh’s manly fluids has thrived and prospered. Stella Marie Thompson (alias Miss Divine Brown) made a small fortune from the media interest in her escapade, allowing her to move into a four-bedroom house and put her daughters through private school.

According to Stella, Hugh told her she was gorgeous and asked if he could kiss her before agreeing to settle for a sixty-dollar blow job. Didn't he know that there's no need to compliment a call girl before she gets down to business? Or is it possible that beneath the rakish veneer of insouciance lies a gallant and amorous soul? No, that can't be possible - it must have been a conditioned reflex induced by the stiffy in his pants.

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