Alien adoption

Yet another human is claiming to be on speaking terms with extra-terrestrials. Mr Simon Parkes, an English town councillor, says his real mother is a green life-form, 9 feet tall with a stick-like figure, big eyes and tiny nostrils. Not a bad-looking female by the sound of it. Big eyes and tiny nostrils are better than tiny eyes and big nostrils, as any visitor to Impfondo “horsey-face” menagerie will confirm. 

Before you mock Mr Parkes as a half-wit and a fantasist, please note that he does not believe the alien is his biological mother. The creature visited him when he was a baby and sent the following telepathic message to his infant brain: 

“I am your real mother, I am your more important mother.” 

In doing so, she formed an emotional bond with Simon and became his surrogate parent. This is no more far-fetched than the story of Tarzan being adopted by a female ape, which is not far-fetched at all, judging by the number of people who wept liked sissies while watching Greystoke in the cinema. 

What I find most convincing about this tale is the absence of any physical contact between Simon and the aliens (who in addition to his mother comprised sundry characters in supporting roles). As Councillor Parkes explained: 

“The reason why the extra-terrestrials are interested in me is not because of my physical body but what’s inside – my soul.” 

How refreshing to hear a human admit that members of a different species have no interest in his body. Most humans who’ve had such encounters accuse the aliens of probing their bodily orifices or milking their gonads. I’ve always believed such abduction stories to be vain human fantasies. Extra-terrestrials have no irresistible urge to toy with the human body, any more than we gorillas do. As a fellow victim of such lampoons, I must defend their honour. 

I do hope Victoria Spice has seen the recent TV interview of Mr Parkes. I feel sure she would empathise with his experiences and possibly invite him to a support group. Although she hasn’t been visited by aliens (as far as I know), she did recently have an out-of-body experience during a fashion show. The manager of the safari camp laughed like a drain when I mentioned this to him:

 “If I had a body like hers I’d want to get out of it!” he quipped.

I’m not sure I agree with his ungallant remark. Victoria may appear horribly undernourished for a woman who can afford to keep her larder well-stocked, but she has done her duty as a wife and mother, producing a healthy brood of four. The proof of the oven is whether it has room for the pudding.

Perhaps Councillor Parkes should introduce Victoria to his alien mother, who is also as thin as a street lamp. She probably thinks women are squat, bulbous creatures, and might enjoy meeting one with a similar figure to herself. It takes all sorts to make a universe.

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