Sermon on the hump

A German pastor has attracted a lot of publicity by holding services which celebrate “the divine element of physical love” (as he puts it).

“There is no life without eroticism and no life without God,” he announced in a rapturous sermon. “My backside, my hands, my tongue, my penis, my earlobes are the landing spots of love.”

The man clearly has a gift for language, but his obsession about his landing spots seems unhealthy to me. A pastor who only has eyes for his own erogenous zones will inevitably neglect the needs of his flock. There seem to be a lot of elderly women in his congregation, so maybe he expects them to oblige him without asking for anything in return. That would be sinful – a man of the cloth should give as well as receive.

The German press were disappointed by the absence of practical demonstrations in his service, and his failure to use dirty words like “bumsen”. There’s no pleasing some people. They should have realised what a breakthrough it was for the word “penis” to be uttered in a church without molten lead being poured into the mouth of the utterer. This will surely open the door for words like “nipple” and “labia” to be used in sermons glorifying the divine aspects of foreplay.

When I mentioned this story to the manager of the safari camp, he scratched his chin pensively.

“All credit to the man for trying something different, but I don’t think it will gain him new followers,” he said. “People who want to combine sex with religion worship gods who encourage them to run around naked and have orgies. Christianity is for the guilty; paganism is for the horny.”

He had a point. I doubt this pastor would impress my friend Kola Boof, high priestess of the Nubian bare-titty movement. She remained true to her “womanist” beliefs even after bin Laden kidnapped her and forced her to wear a burkha (so he could rip it off every night). She is now a published writer and poet, with thousands of Facebook followers who hang on her every word.

Kola’s latest pearl of wisdom is that men who have sex with black women find their penises grow longer. Could this be true? I suppose it might be if black women have coochies like vacuum pumps, which stretch whatever’s inside them. But wouldn’t that make sex with them rather painful?

The problem with Kola is that she’s awfully racist, always going on about the finer qualities of black skin, and calling white men who criticise her “jealous bitches”. She ought to realise that racial differences between humans are barely perceptible to a gorilla. We judge our hairless cousins by qualities that really matter, like the shape of their rumps. You don’t get to have a firm and meaty tush unless you’ve been doing exercises that prepare you for jungle living.

I’ll explain this to Kola the next time I see her. She won't like hearing it, but that’s what friends are for.

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