Girls behaving badly

A correspondent draws my attention to a couple of examples of unladylike behaviour, urging me to seek out the women involved and admonish them. While agreeing that their conduct was deplorable, I reject the idea that I should personally intervene. My job is to observe and reflect rather than punish. Don Bananas I am not.

The first case concerns a singer called Nicki Minaj, whose fame has yet to penetrate the rainforests of the Congo. After cancelling a scheduled performance because of a throat complaint, she grew enraged when some of her fans had the cheek to express disappointment. This is the message she tweeted in response to their complaints:

“I was in jeopardy of losing my voice entirely and needing surgery on my vocal chord. If u can’t understand that, your mother’s a WHORE!”

I would classify her last remark as a non-sequitur of the highest order. After further bickering, she instructed her critics to “eat shit and die”.

It’s worth mentioning that eating shit, although unpleasant, is rarely fatal. Very few animals have poisonous dung. One that does is the honey badger, which feasts on deadly snakes and excretes their venom in its poo. If Miss Minaj had been more astute, she would have told her disgruntled fans to “eat the shit of a honey badger” and left it at that. The words “and die” would have been redundant as death would have followed automatically. Perhaps her few remaining fans should explain this to her, so she can insult them with greater erudition next time.

The second uncouth wench whose deeds I was apprised of is an unnamed 40-something Swedish woman. She has been charged with harassment for despoiling the person and possessions of a 21-year-old man. This fellow was either her boyfriend or some likely lad she had designs on – the precise nature of their relationship has not been disclosed.

The alleged acts were committed after the young man went to bed following an argument with the woman. After he fell asleep, she got into his bed and urinated on him. She then got out of bed and emptied the remaining contents of her bladder on the man’s sofa.

Vexatious though these unauthorised emictions must have been, I think the aggrieved party should have sought satisfaction by issuing a cleaning bill rather than pressing criminal charges. Now that the courts are involved, he will surely be cross-examined about the nature of the dispute than preceded the passing of water. It seems probable that he had rejected the woman’s advances, causing her to behave like the fury which hell hath not.

Much will depend on how this rejection was framed. If he had simply said “Sorry, I’m too tired”, no one could accuse him of insensitivity. But if he had said something like “Leave me alone, droopy tits!” the defendant could legitimately claim some degree of provocation. This wouldn’t excuse her crime, of course. If you are spurned, you should sleep with someone else rather than pissing on your spurner.

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