Naked vegan blog

Some bloggers from England sent me this email:

Dear Gorilla Bananas

We’d be honoured if you had a look at our blog and introduced it to your readers. It’s called Naked Vegan Cooking and we think a natural-living ape like you will like it. :)  Drop in for dinner if you’re ever in Manchester and we’ll give you some gorilla-friendly dishes to eat!

Cheers

Naked Vegan Cooking team (nakedvegancooking.com)

So I visited their blog and found a number of food photos where the only meat on display was human. The picture shown above was one of the more tasteful ones and I’m not referring to the cooking. The following description appears in the ‘About’ page: 

Naked Vegan Cooking is a blog full of delicious, easy to cook vegan recipes and beautiful, naked bodies and not an airbrush in sight. We believe in tasty food and positive body image.

A worthy mission statement, to be sure, but I cannot give the blog my unqualified endorsement. Although we gorillas shun meat, veganism is a step too far. There’s nothing wrong with eating eggs – by reducing the number of hungry chicks it preserves the balance of Nature. Far-sighted birds like chickens realise this. Only stupid ones like ostriches will peck the fur off your arse for stealing them.

Human nakedness is also something I’m ambivalent about. On the plus side, it keeps the sweaty regions of the human body well ventilated. The downside is that bare skin is a tempting target for mosquitoes and other blood-sucking varmints. I recently got an email from Katy Perry’s agent, asking whether she could spend some quality naked time with my tribe. I told him it could be arranged, but she’d have to let us smear her body with natural jungle ointments. We’re still negotiating the details.

The other problem with nudity is all too evident from the Naked Vegan blog – a lot of humans look better with their clothes on. It’s all very well talking about “positive body image” and such, but there comes a point when the gulf between image and reality makes it an exercise in self-delusion. Humans who want their bodies to be admired should expend the required effort in flesh-firming activities. A species designed for the hunter-gatherer lifestyle doesn’t get into shape by sitting on its butt eating Ritz crackers.

The dangers of body narcissism were aptly illustrated by a recent incident in a hotel. A naked man accidentally locked himself out of his room while putting some plates outside his door. Why he chose to perform this task in the nude is a mystery, but I suspect he was fishing for compliments from passers-by. He soon realised he wasn’t as beautiful as he thought when some guests ignored him. Eventually, he had to skulk down to reception with a plate over his groin.

In the light of this man’s misadventure, I offer a stark warning to the Naked Vegan bloggers: However many followers you acquire, the great mass of humanity will not give you admiring glances when you prance about naked. You won’t stop them eating eggs either. Never forget that your niche is anomalous. 

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