I won’t deny I’ve had offers back in my circus days. After a show we gave in Los Angeles, I remember opening my trailer door to a smartly-attired gentleman with a bronze tan and a goatee beard. He was accompanied by a young blonde woman in a tee shirt, who was exceptionally thin apart from a pair of suspiciously large breasts.
“Good day, Mr Bananas,” he said. “My name is Rich Schweiner, president of Titon Films, and this is my vice-president Kelly Zooks. May we have a few minutes of your time?”
I shook both of their hands and invited them to sit down on my sofa, taking a chair opposite them.
“Mr Bananas, what can I say?” said Mr Schweiner warmly. “Your performance today just blew us away. We just loved your energy, your humour, your interaction with the audience…..the whole package”.
“I told Rich you were like a British Charlie Chaplin,” effused Miss Zooks.
“Thank you most kindly,” I replied.
“We think you’d be perfect for the part in a movie we’re producing,” continued Mr Schweiner. “You’d be playing the best friend of the lead character. She’s a woman looking for fulfilment in her life and you’d join her in her travels.”
“It sounds interesting,” I said. “What does this woman do for a living?”
“She’s a travelling masseuse offering her services door-to-door,” explained Mr Schweiner. The title of the movie is Winning Hand or Bust and we’ve already got Jenna Jameson for the part. Are you familiar with her work?”
“Vaguely familiar,” I said uneasily. “What would I be doing with her?”
“Your part would be the comedy side-kick,” replied Mr Schweiner. “Whenever Jenna’s character doesn’t like a client, she’s gets you to take her place while she’s massaging his back. When the guy sees it's you he has a fit!”
Miss Zooks laughed merrily at this and I smiled politely, not wishing to appear unenthusiastic. However, there were a number of issues that required further clarification.
“Are you saying that manipulating a man’s back would be the only physical action required of me?” I asked.
“God no!” exclaimed Mr Schweiner. “What a waste of your talent that would be! You’d do slapstick comedy as in your circus act, ride a bicycle, some nood scenes and a few action stunts. We want you to express yourself fully in the part.”
“Nude scenes!” I chuckled. “Well that should be easy given that I don’t wear clothes!”
Miss Zooks then whispered something into Mr Schweiner’s ear, which caused the president of Titon Films to frown and scratch his beard. He looked me up and down and made the following request: “Would you mind standing up and turning round, Mr Bananas?”
I saw no reason to refuse, so I did as he asked and returned to my seat. Miss Zooks then whispered something else into his ear and he nodded.
“You’ve got a fine coat there, Mr Bananas, but you’d have to take it off for the nood scenes.”
“Whatever do you mean, Mr Schweiner?” I asked in puzzled amusement. “It doesn’t come off, you know. It’s all home grown.”
“That’s OK, Mr Bananas, we’d take it off for you,” explained the movie producer. “Just the butt fur would have to be removed. We’d film those scenes at the end.”
Miss Zooks then executed a snipping motion with her fingers to make their meaning absolutely clear.
Now, I wouldn’t describe myself as an ape given to sudden emotional outbursts, but the idea of having my arse shaved for the titillation of countless voyeurs was more than I could bear with a dignified restraint. I let out a loud snort, which caused my human guests to draw away from me in apprehension. I then addressed them with as much composure as I could muster.
“Mr Schweiner and Miss Zooks,” I declared. “The depilation of my posterior is not something I could ever permit. Furthermore, I am certain that no gorilla would ever consent to such a thing. I suggest you offer the part to Sylvester Stallone. Good day to both of you.”
I got up to open the trailer door and they left dejectedly, although Mr Schweiner did leave his card in case I changed my mind. I didn’t of course.
This sorry episode led me to conclude that the only way for a gorilla to get a decent part in a Hollywood movie is to write the script himself. I’m currently working on a version of The Wizard of Oz in which Dorothy is a middle-aged woman with hairy legs and the cowardly lion is replaced by a forgetful gorilla. The happy ending occurs when the gorilla remembers to shave Dorothy’s legs, enabling her to win the leading role in a new porno film. Now I’ve just got to work out the rest of the plot.
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