Doing it your way

I’ve never been very impressed with the “cultural differences” you humans make such a fuss about. To a gorilla, you all seem long on ceremony and short on hair. Yet the news that Japanese men don’t consider having sex with a prostitute to be cheating on their wives gave me pause for thought. Apparently, they just can’t see how paying for an agreed service at an agreed price is cheating anyone. Their logic has a peculiar force, so it surprises me that men of other nations don’t reason in the same way.

In Japan, a man is unfaithful to his wife if he tricks her into having sex when she doesn’t want to. Suppose, for example, that she’s got a headache and isn’t in the mood for it. Her husband might then promise to buy her a diamond ring if she’ll close her eyes and think of General Tojo. But if he doesn’t produce the gem within 30 days, his wife can sue for divorce on the grounds of fraud. Back in the olden days, it was permissible for a Japanese man to copulate with his wife while she was asleep. This was outlawed by the Americans after World War 2 because of its tactical similarity to the surprise attack at Pearl Harbour.

It seems that even European nations differ markedly in sexual practices. A German man was shocked to find that his Italian girlfriend wanted to climax at the same time he did. He told her that he couldn’t possibly enjoy an orgasm while she was having an even better one – that would be like eating sorbet for dessert while she was gorging on Black Forest gateau. His practice with German women was to make them climax first using non-penetrative methods. He would then instruct them to feign disgust during intercourse by calling him
a “filthy swine” and other more abusive terms. His concept of sex was a zero sum game – the more she hates it, the better it is for me.

I don’t want to say too much about cross-species fornication between humans and their livestock. These activities seem greatly exaggerated to me. With millions of sheep and humans sharing the same living space, there are bound to be occasions where passions run out of control and a young ewe wakes up one morning with shame burning in her delicate cheeks. That’s just a fact of life. But is it right to blame the entire Welsh nation because a few frustrated shepherds have delved into the woolly abyss? The decent majority must not be stigmatised for the misdeeds of a tiny minority.

It goes without saying that pet abusers must be squashed without mercy. And that includes women who expose themselves to their cats. When a cat sees a woman’s naked body its mental equilibrium is shattered: its whiskers begin to droop; it goes off milk; it begins to hallucinate, seeing hairy spiders crawling out of every crack. A large percentage of cat road deaths are probably suicides provoked by a pussy-to-pussy encounter. Trust me, girls, however much your cat loves you, it will never get a kick out of seeing you in the buff. Even a male gorilla would only be aroused by a naked woman in unusual circumstances which I’m not going to describe.

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