A nun defiled

Shocking news of a man who broke into a church to view the pornography on a nun’s computer. I hope they throw the book at this sacrilegious scoundrel. Fingering a nun’s keyboard with profane intent is a serious desecration. As for the images on her hard drive, he who ogles them with lustful eyes has surely committed a mortal sin. The fact that the man was a worshipper at the church does not excuse his behaviour in the slightest. “Sharing a nun’s pornography is no different from sharing her bed,” said Pope Alexander IV, who did both.

Security must have been lax to allow this impious fiend to enter the church and click on the holy sister’s mouse. If they can’t afford a burglar alarm, they should at least hire a couple of Rhesus monkeys to swing from the rafters. Those nosey simians would have screeched their lungs off at the intruder, pissing on his head for good measure. The puzzling question is how the man knew there was porn on the PC. Could there be a corrupt priest selling secrets from the confession box on eBay? More likely, the source was the nuns themselves. I expect the man followed them into a pub and listened to their gossip from a nearby table. Get a couple of drinks inside a nun and the contents of her desktop device will be common knowledge.

It goes without saying that there are valid spiritual reasons for a nun to download pornography. How else could she keep a watchful eye on the latest wicked vices that Satan has nurtured in the licentious loins of the faithless fornicators? She is clearly entitled to know what she has renounced in dedicating herself to holy service. In addition, it’s never a bad idea to remind the Man Upstairs of the sacrifices being made by His followers on Earth. God is obviously not the sort of bloke to take his servants for granted, but what with one thing and another he may have overlooked all the abstinence that’s going on in His name. The occasional gentle reminder at prayer time surely wouldn’t go amiss.

I’m proud to say that I always took a firm line on pornography in the circus. I would never work with clowns or dwarves who stared at pictures of naked women before entering the ring. A gorilla does not want to manhandle distracted fellows who are confused about the job in hand. The best male performers avoided porn altogether, correctly viewing it as a pastime that would sap their energy and enfeeble their minds. They preferred to satisfy their urges by mating with ugly women, so they only had sex when they really needed it and never had to work too hard to get it. As for the female artistes, looking at porn did them no harm because their energy was effectively unsappable.

My own policy on pornography is quite simple: I will never download it myself, but will review, out of courtesy, any short clips that are forwarded to me. By such means I have accumulated a fair collection over the years. (If you are thinking of sending me a snippet, please note that I don’t have the patience to look at anything longer than a minute.) The latest porn fetish seems to be “female ejaculation”, an ability evidently possessed by a relatively small number of women. I just hope that ladies who lack this particular skill don’t believe their orgasms are somehow “inferior” to the squirters. There’s a lot more to sexual fulfilment than making your cha-cha behave like a water pistol.

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