Got a call from little Charlotte Uhlenbroek the other day. She’s recently appeared in a series of wildlife documentaries on British TV, visiting the great apes and trying to sort out their problems. The problems, it must be said, remained largely unsolved. On the plus side she did manage to goad a few chimpanzees into tickling her, which made her giggle like an excited schoolgirl. On strength of this performance she asked me to nominate her for Animal Lover of the Year.
“I’ll put your name forward, Charlotte, but I can’t say your chances are good,” I said. “Last year it was won by a fellow who sucked a cow’s udders. This year we’ve had reports of a man who wanked off a dolphin. That’ll be stiff competition, as you can imagine.”
“They’re so fucking sexist, GB!” squeaked Charlotte angrily. “They’ve never given it to a woman, have they? Do I have to suck off a chimp or something?”
“I wouldn’t recommend it, Charlotte, they’d be queuing outside your tent once the word got out. Why don’t you try something with the hoofed animals instead? The judges are always impressed by women who can ride the herbivore bareback.”
“Not bloody likely, GB, my arse is sore enough as it is!"
I said I would do my best to make her case from her work with the apes.
I have to admit that I lied about the man who wanked off a dolphin. That incident occurred a long time ago, so the perpetrator wouldn't be eligible for this year’s award. I wanted to lower Charlotte’s expectations without telling her about the real favourite: an Ohio woman who allows a squirrel to reside between her breasts. One shouldn’t put such ideas into the head of an impressionable TV naturalist.
So what about this woman from Ohio? Apparently, the first person to find out about her furry tenant was a police detective. He was interviewing her about an unrelated felony when the bushy-tailed rodent popped out of its hiding place and tried to escape. Less nervous creatures than a squirrel have cracked under the strain of a dogged interrogation. The woman promptly reassured the animal and put it back into its cosy refuge. They obviously had a relationship based on mutual trust and affection – bosom buddies, so to speak.
Now on the face of it, this woman showed great hospitality in allowing Little Nutkin to nestle between her norks. It has all the appearance of a selfless act carried out by a true lover of furry creatures. However, a breast boffin called Cathinka Chandler claims that parting the chest cleavage is actually good for the boobs, preventing them from wrinkling and sagging. She has invented a device called The Kush which is essentially a glorified titty-separator. She claims that women who sleep with one lodged between their baps will wake up in the morning with a bust to be proud of.
All of which suggests that the woman from Ohio had a selfish motive for her squirrel-friendly behaviour. That’s typically human, isn’t it? You think they’re doing something out of generosity of spirit, when in reality they have an ulterior motive. Let’s hope the judges can see through her wiles.
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