Crime of passion

News arrives of a man who is marrying a woman who stabbed him. He seems to be a pretty shrewd judge of character. When a female of the same species tries to kill you, she either loves you or hates you (unless you are a spider, when she’s just hungry). The problem for the male is deciding who is which and which is who. In this case, the man seems to have got it right. He and the woman were lovers before she caught him showing an old injury to her best friend, which required him to drop his pants. Misunderstanding what was going on, his jealous sweetheart bayoneted him from behind with a sharp instrument. She fortunately missed his vital organs and he made a full recovery.

You’ve got to respect a man who forgives his girlfriend for smiting him hip and thigh. Heaven knows why he wanted to expose a previous wound to another woman. Let’s hope he can keep his newest one to himself. We gorillas pick up a fair number of scrapes and scratches in the course of our jungle activities, but have no wish to draw attention to them unless we are seeking medical attention. Female gorillas simply aren’t interested in how many scars you’ve got beneath the fur.

I sincerely hope the man won’t regret his decision. To be on the safe side, I’d advise him to put on an army flak jacket before getting into the marital bed. The woman is clearly madly in love with him, but she may have unresolved issues floating around in her subconscious. Just one flashback of the pants-dropping incident might re-ignite old animosities and prompt her to reach for the scissors on the bedside table. Even so, the judge was surely right not to send her to prison. She obviously poses no danger to anyone but her fiancé, and he seems quite happy to take his chances.

“I don’t think this would ever happen again,” was his confident assertion after she walked free with a suspended gaol sentence.

His optimism does him credit, but he may have underestimated the stresses and strains that occur in the marriages of today. Even if he’s learned his lesson about exposing himself to other women, his future wife will still have to put up with his annoying habits, whether they be snoring, wheezing or the hawking of phlegm. The continual drip-feed of such provocations might cause her to snap no less violently than she did when she caught him with his pants down.

What the woman really needs is a way of releasing her pent-up anger regularly, so the pressure doesn’t build up until she erupts like a volcano. Smacking him on the head with a rolling pin is the traditional method, but his head is already a funny shape and she might not know when to stop. I would favour lending her an electric cattle prod once a week, so she can get it out of her system without maiming the man or exerting herself unduly. It won’t be much fun for her spouse, but it beats getting stabbed.

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