Sizing up Megan

Megan Fox has the perfect face, according to Professor Kang Lee of the University of Toronto. He bases his claim on metrics such as the distance between her eyes, the distance between her ears, the distance between her nostrils, and so forth. Having ogled the portraits of innumerable women, and fed their facial-statistics into his computer, the learned professor genuinely believes he has a foolproof formula for picking out the lookers.

Call me a suspicious ape, but I don’t see why it was necessary to name Ms Fox in the cause of scientific progress. If the good professor has the hots for young Megan, he ought to send her a lewd text message rather than couching his compliments in technical jargon. Although she’s currently dating a little-known C-list actor, her recent confession that she
can’t hide her love of sex suggests she is very much open for business when the right offer comes along. That doesn’t mean she’ll spread her legs for Professor Lee, but if you don’t ask you don’t get.

When I mentioned this mathematical theory of beauty to the manager of the safari camp, he smirked, scoffed and frowned in quick succession.

“A woman’s face doesn’t tell you everything,” he said. “What about her body?”

He had a point. In the next phase of his research, Professor Lee should amass a database of body dimensions and look for patterns there. A trapeze artist once told me that if the distance between a woman’s nipples is equal to the distance between her navel and her cha-cha, she is an insatiable sex kitten. I took his word for it at the time, but now I would like to see it confirmed with scientific data. The professor ought to let the women take their own measurements to maintain his objectivity and avoid getting his face slapped.

There’s nothing wrong with admiring a good-looking woman, but I don’t believe in overdoing the flattery. If girls get too obsessed with trying to look pretty they lose the knack of making funny faces. Consider the actresses who played Laurel and Hardy’s wives. They used their faces to express a wide range of emotions, ranging from sullen resentment to the dagger-eyed fury which precedes a vicious assault. Maybe Susie Essman in Curb Your Enthusiasm has a face of comparable qualities, but these days most actresses just want to look cute.

It’s not only hot-tempered bitchy women that are fun to watch (from a safe distance). There are many interesting moods that a woman’s face can project – contempt, disgust, sarcasm, a knowing look that makes the recipient feel like a boy who’s crapped his pants. Now that Mrs Slocombe and her pussy have gone to that big ladieswear section in the sky, only Dame Edna Everage can do justice to the art, and she is allegedly a man.

Is there even a female blogger who will make funny faces in this day and age? Sassy Miss Kara used to do it frequently, but after settling down and buying a condo she seems to have misplaced her mojo. It’s a sign of the times, I tell you.

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