Should we allow scenes of a pornographic film to be filmed at the safari camp? The manager is agonising over the decision. The publicity will be good, but he’s worried about attracting tourists who masturbate to dirty movies. I told him wankers have as much right to go on safari as anyone else. Everything should be fine provided they refrain from lewd acts in the jungle, which might provoke the chimpanzees to run amok. The faces of self-abusing humans appear terribly hostile to other primates. That’s why guests who stay with my band are given hoods to wear should they feel like touching themselves at an inopportune moment.
The female lead in the film is to be played by a blond bombshell called Holly Sampson, who claims to have had sex with Tiger Woods on his 24th birthday. The concept of the movie is to re-enact that glorious event as the culmination of Ms Sampson’s career as a professional hoochie.
According to Holly, Tiger had talent in the bedroom. I don’t doubt it. By that stage in his career he must have mastered all kinds of trick shots with his 9-iron. But could we be sure that the action depicted in the movie was what she and Tiger actually did? It would be very easy for Holly to recall what some meaty-loined stud called Leroy Longpole did to her and pretend it was part of Tiger’s repertoire. Tiger certainly won’t confirm or deny anything after apologising to mummy in front of the TV cameras.
The scenes they want to film at the safari camp are flashbacks of Holly’s sexual awakening, which supposedly occurs after her marriage to a tribal chief. He buys Holly from her wicked uncle for a 4-carat diamond, the market price of an eager virgin of the white race. Holly is so insatiable that the chief is soon ailing like a worn-out old bull. To avoid the humiliation of being cuckolded by his kinsmen, he pays Holly’s airfare back to Los Angeles, where she starts a new career as an erotic dancer and peep show performer. She is spotted at an orgy by one of Tiger’s pimps and hired to entertain him at his birthday party.
The race is on to find the actor who’ll play Tiger. I hope they give the part to Jackrabbit Lemon, son of Meadowlark of Harlem Globetrotters’ fame. Jackrabbit has Tiger’s lean build and boyish features. His other qualifications for the role are his fondness for blond strumpets and his ability to look contrite when caught with his hand in the cookie jar. His golf handicap is in single figures, but that won’t be very useful for the games he’ll play in the movie.
If the manager agrees to the shoot, I’ll probably be given the job of chaperoning Holly. You may think a porn actress should be capable of taking care of herself, but the sultry aromas of the African bush can turn civilised men into rampaging satyrs. The film crew might easily lose their self-control when they see a naked woman cavorting before their eyes. I should imagine I’ll be able to restrain them without breaking their bones or putting venomous insects down their trousers.
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