Indian sex scandal

An Indian holy man been has been filmed cavorting with actresses. This harmless recreation has disgraced him the eyes of his followers and created a big scandal. Even the police have got into the act, investigating the incident as if they themselves were celibate. Maybe they're jealous he has actresses at his beck and call while they can only afford the cheapest and ugliest whores. Hopefully the guru will be able to bribe them, but if he does become a fugitive some obliging person should offer him sanctuary. Perhaps a retired Bollywood actress could employ him as her live-in yoga instructor. You don’t become a holy man without having transferable skills.

As for his congregation, I’m not sure whether their outrage is justified. If he made a big point of being a bramacharya they are entitled to feel aggrieved. No one likes to be deceived by a shark in lobster’s clothing, especially if the shark has been taking your money and telling you not to eat meat. If that’s what he did, they have a reasonable excuse to chop off his fins and sell them to the Chinese. But if he never claimed to practice sexual abstinence, they should apologise for their ungrateful behaviour and tell the police to stuff chillies up their backsides. A man doesn’t become a charlatan just because a few actresses jump on top of him.

I know from experience that celibacy is not essential for a guru. Back in my circus days, we were honoured by a visit from Swami Nanga Anand, the venerable love doctor of Rajasthan. His Hindi name was purely symbolic, as he wore a white dhoti in deference to his modesty. Bald and beardless, yet strikingly handsome, he sat down cross-legged and bade us join him as he expounded on his Tantric philosophy:

“Sex, you see, is in the mind not the body. If the mind is corrupt then the body is also corrupt. If the man is thinking, I want to use this woman, I want to empty my lust into her, the sexual act will bring no contentment to his soul.”

Most of us nodded in reverential assent, but the ringmaster emitted a sceptical grunt.

“So what should the man be thinking?” he asked in a sardonic tone of voice.

The Swami smiled and shook his head before responding, which is how to show appreciation of a good question in India.

“While having sex, the man must be thinking, I will make this woman feel the warmth of a thousand suns, I will take her with me to heaven. Then the sex will be a purification of body and mind for both of them.”

I could tell the female acrobats were hugely impressed by this doctrine as they gazed at the Swami in rapt devotion. I discovered, a little while later, that a couple of them had asked him for a crash course before he left. Although I suspected Mr Nanga of being a devious impostor, I did nothing to dissuade them. Any man who can persuade women that having sex with him is a holy sacrament has fairly earned his oats.

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