War and Peace

A young fellow at the safari guesthouse asks me whether gorillas are fond of jungle warfare. I smile benignly at the boy before answering. 

“We make every effort to resolve our disputes peacefully, son,” I explain. “Raiding, pillaging and the scorching of enemy private parts are activities we leave to chimpanzees and humans.” 

The boy looks disappointed, so I give him a stick of liquorice and send him on his way with an avuncular pat on the head. In time, he will realise that life is not a video game where you can survive being blasted to smithereens by a bazooka and return to the fray with your pectoral muscles glistening like Rambo. 

Humans, of course, are quite capable of behaving like gorillas when they want to. Consider the recent case of a small town in Ohio, where a long-running and bitter feud between the local church and the local strip club has ended in a great big love-in. After weeks of name-calling and face-pulling, the churchgoers realised the strippers were just fellow human beings who happened to make a living by wiggling their jahoobies in front of salivating men. Much credit must go to their pastor, who softened their hearts with a moving sermon: 

“Were not Adam and Eve naked in the Garden of Eden before Satan laughed at their private parts and made them ashamed?” he declared. “Who are we to cast the first stone at our fallen sisters, some of whom have breasts like two young roes which feed among the lilies?” 

Brimming with compassion, members of the congregation then approached the strippers with opened arms to hug them and give them succour. Two of the strippers were immediately touched by the Spirit of the Lord, while affirming they wouldn’t be quitting their jobs anytime soon. 

"Our hearts are with Jesus, but our bodies are at the Foxhole," said one of them. 

Meanwhile, the owner of the strip club and the pastor are discussing how to settle the dispute amicably. If I were mediating, I would propose the following four-point plan: 

(1) Find the strippers rich husbands so they don’t have to work anymore. America is full of dirty old billionaires like J Howard Marshall who are looking for trophy wives whose breasts can be stroked with their nose hairs. 

(2) To avoid depriving the owner of the strip club of his income, the ladies of the congregation should work for him on a no-fee basis. This would allow the strip club to make the necessary reduction its entry charge while still making a profit for its proprietor. 

(3) The strip club’s customers would themselves be required to disrobe before watching the volunteer strippers. This would avoid the degrading spectacle of fully-clothed men leering at naked Christian ladies. 

(4) A chaperone would be hired to prevent the whole thing degenerating into an orgy. Most gorillas would be well-qualified for the job, but I wouldn’t do it myself. Too much human nudity gives me the willies. 

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