I’m feeling a bit sorry for the un-named Swedish politician who’s been fined for picking up a prostitute. Apparently he’d only been giving her a lift home, but knew the police wouldn’t believe him when they stopped his car. When they started asking embarrassing questions, he made a false confession to put the incident behind him. He now says he couldn’t have been a client of the girl because he suffers from a medical condition that has rendered him impotent.
Before dismissing his story as far-fetched, picture the following scene:
An impotent politician driving through a red-light district sees a prostitute trudging wearily to the bus station after a long night shift. She stumbles awkwardly on her high-heeled shoes. He feels a pang of sympathy for the girl – perhaps she reminds him of his daughter at college – and pulls up beside her.
“Sorry, I’ve finished for the night,” she says as the car window opens.
“I know,” replies the man. “I am actually a famous politician whom you would recognise if you were an educated woman rather than an unfortunate whore with no interest in public affairs. Please allow me to drive you home safely. The chill of night is making your thighs cold. You have nothing to fear, for I am impotent.”
“I know,” replies the man. “I am actually a famous politician whom you would recognise if you were an educated woman rather than an unfortunate whore with no interest in public affairs. Please allow me to drive you home safely. The chill of night is making your thighs cold. You have nothing to fear, for I am impotent.”
“Thank you kindly, Sir,” says the prostitute. “I live in Bjorn Borg Plaza and will give you my number so you can contact me in future. Perhaps you will want to hire me when your cock wakes up from its coma. Haha!”
Now, none of the above may have actually happened, but how can anyone be sure? Giving tarts a lift home is unquestionably a good deed throughout Scandinavia, where the nights can be rather nippy. Should a goody-goody nation like Sweden run the risk of convicting a man with a dysfunctional todger of a crime he did not commit? I think not.
The next question to consider is whether the politician could get an official pardon from Queen What’s-Her-Face of Sweden. He might if a foolproof method of proving his impotence existed. The manager of the safari camp suggested tying him to a bed and hiring one of Hef’s playmates to see if she could perk it up (a skill she would have practised to proficiency in the Playboy mansion). But such tests are only reliable for teenage boys, whose reproductive organs have a mind of their own. The middle-aged man can always close his eyes and think of Fatima Whitbread. Absence of activity is not evidence of incapacity and it wouldn’t stand up in court.
The next question to consider is whether the politician could get an official pardon from Queen What’s-Her-Face of Sweden. He might if a foolproof method of proving his impotence existed. The manager of the safari camp suggested tying him to a bed and hiring one of Hef’s playmates to see if she could perk it up (a skill she would have practised to proficiency in the Playboy mansion). But such tests are only reliable for teenage boys, whose reproductive organs have a mind of their own. The middle-aged man can always close his eyes and think of Fatima Whitbread. Absence of activity is not evidence of incapacity and it wouldn’t stand up in court.
Perhaps the best solution would be for the UK to offer him political asylum. The standing of the British ruling class has fallen so low that a politician who claims to have chauffeured a prostitute would be seen a hero in the Don Quixote tradition. The British could then hand over the Wikileaks fellow in return, who allegedly lacks chivalry in his own dealings with the fairer sex. With any luck he’ll be impotent when the Swedes have finished with him.
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