Agonizing work

I thought I’d begin today’s post with a tribute to Marjorie Proops (pictured above). For those who’ve never heard of her, she was the English agony aunt who put agony aunting on the map. In her days as a newspaper columnist, she got sackfuls of mail from desperate (and apparently blameless) women suffering needless aggravations from the men in their lives. I dare say many of her readers petitioned her with imaginary problems in the hope of being featured on her page. 

I once met Marjorie after she watched me perform in the circus, and did not hesitate to confide my own anxieties in her: 

“I feel so guilty, Marje!” I groaned. “My fans love watching me kick the clowns, but I’m the one who sees them afterwards, lying face-down on a table having ointments massaged into their buttocks. Should I refuse to do it and let the slapstick comedy be damned?” 

Marjorie stared at me owlishly through her spectacles. “Have you asked the clowns how they feel about it?” she said. “They might be reconciled to suffering for their art, just as you, as the artiste, must suffer pangs of guilt.” 

What could I do but bow my head and make sucking noises in acclaim of her extraordinary genius? 

“I’ve met some wise old birds in my time,” I declared, “but Marjie baby: you make them all look like giddy spring chickens!” 

Anyway, I was prompted to think about this encounter after reading a news story about an 8-year-old girl who is running a counselling service for adults. She discovered her precocious talent when a frustrated housewife complained about having an annoying husband. 

“It all cancels out,” replied the gifted young lassie. “You might do stuff to him that's also really annoying.” 

The frustrated housewife was amazed by her cunning insight, which you have to admit was pretty shrewd for an 8-year-old girl. She now has a website which solves people’s problems for the price of a gobstopper. She’s too young, of course, to offer any advice on sexual problems. I think I ought to state this, because you never know what indecent twaddle some silly floozy might corrupt her innocent ears with. 

As luck would have it, I have recently acquired information that will reassure silly floozies about a particular bedroom issue that has often dismayed them. Scientists have discovered that there’s nothing wrong with falling asleep immediately after having an orgasm. If a man starts snoring two seconds after squirting his jam into a woman’s donut, it means he’s head-over-heels in love with her. It’s the ones who engage in post-coital cuddling and sweet talk that women have to worry about. They obviously only do it because of their guilty consciences.

If it’s true, this seminal discovery could bring peace and harmony to bedrooms all over the world. If it’s true. The first thing to investigate is who funded the research. If it was sponsored by the Studs with Big Cojones Association, there might be an ideological bias.

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