Lingerie or bust

As a gorilla with a strong sense of fair play, it pains me when my human cousins victimise one of their own for no good reason. My females tell me that I should observe the behaviour of another species with scientific detachment, as if I were Davy Attenborough making a film about baboons. They may have a point, but an ape who has hobnobbed with humans as much as I have becomes emotionally involved in their tragedies and triumphs. I could never be like Davy Attenborough if I tried – he is a phlegmatic, blue-blooded Englishman, whereas I am a soft-hearted gorilla, compassionate to the needy and merciful to the naughty.

The latest example of human iniquity that caused me to tweak my nipples in despair occurred in New York City, where a 29-year-old woman was persecuted because of a physical peculiarity. Miss Lauren Odes was dismissed from her job in a boutique for no better reason that the size of her bosom. Her female supervisor (whom one presumes was a small-titted woman) had instructed Lauren to tape down her breasts or wear a billowy robe to disguise her voluptuous figure. When she declined to follow these demeaning instructions, the blameless girl was sacked.

“It was very shocking and humiliating,” said Lauren. “A crazy experience unlike anything I’ve been through.”

Let’s hope that Lauren’s self-esteem has not been irreparably damaged by her callous treatment. Perhaps the chivalrous men of New Jersey (where she lives) will assure her that her extravagant bosom is nothing to be ashamed of.

The ironic thing about this deplorable affair is that the shop concerned sells “intimate apparel”, which is a sanitised term for sexy underwear. Lauren rightly emphasised this point in a press conference she gave, deliberately mentioning the words “buttocks” and “genital area” to remind journalists that breasts are not the only distracting things on a woman’s body.

The question that intrigues me is what kind of legal defence the shop will make. Is it possible that Lauren’s big boobs would have dissuaded customers from making a purchase? They might argue, I suppose, that modestly endowed women would have felt disheartened at the sight of her chest, concluding that no amount of erotic lingerie could compensate for their lack of bust. It would sadden me if there were any truth to this claim. Some of the most attractive women in history had small bosoms, including Catherine of Aragon and Jane Birkin. There is no shortage of men, moreover, who prefer a ripe little pair of jahoobies.

It is all very well to sympathise, of course, but what can one do to show solidarity? The manager of the safari camp advised me to wear a pair of fake breasts for a week, but his suggestions are not to be trusted. I think what I’ll do is send Lauren a t-shirt with the slogan “BIG OR SMALL WE LOVE ‘EM ALL” printed on it. If she went into court wearing that, the shop owners and their legal cronies would surely die of shame.

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