Satanists are robbed!

A couple from Colorado have made themselves excellent candidates for the Pussy of the Year award. After someone stole their “Vote Satan” sign, they reported the theft to the police and complained about being victims of a hate crime:

“I feel like we're being treated unfairly because it's not a so-called mainstream religion," whined Luigi Bellaviste, a paid-up member of the Church of Satan.

Come off it, people! You believe in the Prince of Darkness, the guy who got kicked out of Heaven for telling God to lick his scrotum. Followers of the Devil don’t whimper about hate crimes when someone steals their sign: they use black magic to hunt down the thief! After dragging him to their pagan grotto, they put on goat costumes and terrify him with demonic chants. Then they ritually sacrifice him with a razor sharp parsnip and use his blood to varnish their bony relics. No one will ever respect your religion if you can’t bring the vengeance of Hell to a petty crook. Even the Hare Krishnas will start pushing you around.

I’m glad to say the police are treating the incident as common theft rather than religious persecution:

“There’s no evidence that the perpetrator had issues with Satan or those who subscribe to his teachings,” said Lieutenant Chuck Mephisto of the Mountain View Police Department. “He may be planning to sell the sign to other Satanists, so members of that community should report any offers they get from suspicious characters.”

Amen to that.

As a gorilla, I often find humans asking me questions about my religious beliefs. I usually tell them to mind their own business. Only if they gaze at me with sincere and childlike eyes do I instruct them in the rudiments of ape yoga, jungle meditation and the holy utterances of Old Melonhead the Wise. I never try to convert them, though. Humans must find their own spiritual pathway, and trudge along it with stoic fortitude, rather than attempting to ride piggyback on their hairy cousins.

As a matter of fact, we gorillas disapprove of most human religions, because they involve the dangerously unsound practice of worship. Let’s face it: anyone who gets worshipped by a lot of cringing humans is going to become big-headed and arrogant. If won’t be long before he starts demanding sacrifices and issuing commandments and making other unreasonable requests.

I had direct experience of this problem during my time in the circus, when I received a lot of hero-worship from my adoring fans. Fortunately, I managed to curb my megalomaniac impulses by hiring a small monkey to sit on my shoulder and whisper “remember you are mortal” into my ear. Occasionally, I had to spank him for saying “remember you are purple”, which was far from the case.

The downside of my humility was that my fans thought they could steal my possessions without being punished for their effrontery and sacrilege. I am proud to say that I never called the police when they did so. That didn’t stop me from collaring the worst offenders and making them curse their mothers. 

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