When I heard that French feminists were wearing false beards to promote their cause, I clapped my feet and hooted for joy. What a brilliant way of mocking arrogant men who flaunt their masculinity by growing whiskers and speaking in deep voices, as if they were Father Goose or The Jolly Green Giant. If any men dare to belittle them now, they can just scratch their fake beards and say “Ho hum, suck my bum”.
A lot of humans make the mistake of assuming we gorillas respect bearded men because of our own hirsute condition. How wrong they are! The great apes have an even coating of body hair which protects their skin and keeps them cosy. The beard, by contrast, is merely an ornamental tuft. It serves no purpose other than to give men a goatish appearance and hide the zits on their chin. You could argue that it also acts as a bib, but this isn’t a function their wearers are keen emphasize. I'll never forget the Norwegian tourist who went for a jungle hike with a cornflake stuck in his beard. How everyone laughed!
When I mentioned this story to the manager of the safari camp, he shrugged his shoulders scornfully:
“Better fake beards than fake penises,” he said. “No man wants to be chased by a feminist mob wearing strap-ons. Those angry bitches wouldn’t even use lube.”
I grunted sceptically at his misogynist conception.
“As if they haven’t got better things to do than violate your tight little bottom pussy,” I observed. “You must have a very guilty conscience to believe that raping you is high on their list of priorities.”
“I never said it was,” he retorted. “It’s just something they might do for fun in-between all their cursing and plotting.”
“You are an ignoramus and a reactionary!” I declared, before strolling off to the jungle for a grooming from my females.
Contrary to manager’s malicious sniping, these French feminists are proper ladies and much nicer than their Anglo-Saxon counterparts. Their spokesperson is a woman called Colette Coffin, who’s a foxy-looking chick with or without the false whiskers. Their plan of action is to confront male-dominated institutions by gate-crashing their functions and arguing their cause. They do this while donning their beards, although Colette wears a threadbare one for ease of communication:
"I've got a much bushier one, but this has a wider hole so I can talk without getting too much fluff in my mouth," she explained.
Being a chivalrous and tender-hearted gorilla, I sent Collette a message of support, and was delighted to receive the following reply:
Thank you so much for your sympathetic words. You say the female is your partner and friend, whether she is ape or human. This grand sentiment is a lesson for humanity from the noble mouth of the gorilla! We are proud to accept you as our comrade!
Yes, I shave my underarm. Why do you ask?
What do you think? Was she just being polite, or does she really want me to affiliate?
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