Lesbian of the Year

As 2012 draws closer to its close, my thoughts inevitably turn to the Lesbian of the Year award. This prestigious title is usually won by a woman from the USA, where talented sapphists have excelled in show business, sport and prison security. The greasy pole got a lot less greasy for American lesbians after Ellen Degeneres wrapped her sinewy thighs around it and hoisted herself up to the giddy heights. This year might be different, however. There is a very strong contender from the Far East called Gigi Chao, a 33-year-old Chinese heiress who recently got married to an older woman of mannish appearance.

Gigi’s father, a billionaire tycoon from Hong Kong, not only refused to acknowledge her same-sex marriage but offered $65 million dollars to any man who could win his daughter’s hand.

"Gigi is a very good woman with both talents and looks,” wrote Papa Chao in his advertisement. “She is devoted to her parents, is generous and does volunteer work."

Gigi was then inundated with emails from eager suitors who had apparently fallen madly in love with her picture.

How would an impartial observer characterise Mr Chao’s behaviour? When I asked a professional woman at the safari guesthouse, she compared him unfavourably with a pustule on a scrotum. I don’t disagree with her assessment. Gigi would have been within her rights to tell her dad to go and fuck a goat, but her public reaction was anything but. When invited by a newspaper to comment, she said:

"At first I was entertained by it, and then that entertainment turned into the realisation and conviction that I am a really lucky girl to have such a loving daddy, because it's really sweet of him to do something like this as an expression of his fatherly love.”

Did you ever hear of such an understanding daughter? Truly, she must be a saint to have responded in such a way. Papa Chao is a lucky old coot to have such a dutiful child. He ought to build a $65 million temple to the Yellow Emperor as thanks for his good fortune rather than trying to bribe a gold-digger to get in his daughter’s pants.

It’s possible, of course, that Gigi was praising her father to preserve an outward show of family harmony. For all we know, she may be cursing him in private. Even if this were true, she would still have my admiration. A public spat between family members is an ugly and depressing spectacle. The Jerry Springer Show gives me the shits, so I only watch it when I’m constipated.

I should mention, in passing, that I’ve never fought with another gorilla when a human was present. Whenever we expect a visit from one of our hairless cousins, I ask my females to air their grievances before the guest arrives so they can vent any pent-up frustrations. Sometimes I get a few bites and punches; sometimes I get sat on for half an hour. It’s a small price to pay to avoid losing face in front of a human.

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