Police harassment

What’s wrong with the police? The more resources they get, the more determined they are to pester harmless eccentrics. I bit my toe in amazement when I heard about a Swedish woman who was arrested for allegedly having sex with a skeleton. The police say she stole it, but how can a skeleton be private property? I would argue its legal status is similar to that of a stray cat – anyone who provides it with a good home is entitled to claim it as their own.

Now the police say they have evidence that she licked its skull. This in itself is a gross violation of her privacy. No woman should have to worry about being prosecuted whenever she gets her tongue out. As for the act in question, one shouldn’t automatically assume that her motive was sexual. I’ve seen animals licking all sorts of stuff to acquire essential nutrients. Maybe the woman was suffering from a mineral deficiency. We gorillas often lick things out of sheer curiosity. Taste can be an important clue in sizing up a mysterious object.

Even if the woman was trying to seduce the skeleton, I don’t see that as a crime. Who was the victim? Certainly not the skeleton, which should have been flattered that a flesh-and-blood woman wanted to jump its bones. It was once part of a living human itself, so it must have been familiar with all the standard positions and techniques. A skeleton is mature enough to handle a physical relationship without the law intervening to give it protection.

Another recent example of overzealous policing occurred in Seattle, where a man was arrested for indecent exposure. The only people he indecently exposed himself to were the police themselves, who rudely interrupted him while he was masturbating in an alley. When the officers ordered him to stop, he said “Wait until I’m finished”. This indicates he was focusing on the job in hand rather than indulging in exhibitionism. I can’t understand why the police refused his reasonable request. A prisoner with unfinished business is bound to be more jumpy.

Let me state, for the record, that I’m no fan of public masturbation. On too many occasions have insolent baboons looked me in the eye while stroking their plonkers. Yet I always allowed them to consummate the deed before giving their arses a good kicking. Insults from baboons must always be avenged, but there’s no point punishing them when they’re in a state of heightened sexual tension.

If I were a police commissioner, I’d make all my officers watch episodes of Colombo as part of their basic training. The dishevelled detective never made a big hoo-hah about people bonking skeletons or masturbating in public. He ignored the small fry and went for the big fish. He was also a fine conversationalist and unfailingly polite, which are qualities to be encouraged in a law enforcer. I suspect today’s policemen are more like the foul-mouthed character played by Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant, who practised many ugly vices. He was also a colossal wanker.

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