So a female chimp in a Spanish zoo keeps on switching her TV to the porn channel. Whatever. She probably thinks she’s watching wildlife documentaries showing the oddities of Nature. There is no evidence that she found any of it titillating. As a gorilla-anthropologist, I’ve watched a fair amount of human porn myself. I’d be lying if I said it had no entertainment value, but my tits were definitely not lated.
I was sorry to hear that a professor in Montreal had to abandon a research project investigating the impact of pornography on young men. The problem was he couldn’t find any fellows who didn’t watch porn, whom he needed for his control group. Hard luck, Mr Professor, it must be terribly frustrating to have your passion for scientific enquiry thwarted by the single-minded depravity of the male population. I believe Dr Johnson encountered a similar obstacle when he tried to examine the effect of masturbation on the moral character of the legal profession. Some questions, it seems, are destined to be beyond the grasp of empirical science.
A lack of scientific evidence doesn’t stop us from making educated guesses, of course. I’m not the kind of ape who refrains from postulating until a boffin gives him hard data. I should think it’s pretty self-evident that watching pornography from the age of 10 has convinced most young men that women love it when you come in their faces. My ape intuition tells me they are almost certainly mistaken. A man’s jism was not designed by Nature to be a face cream, although it may well provide limited protection against mosquito bites. I would hazard a guess that the first thing a porn actress does, after the director says “cut”, is reach for a box of Kleenex.
This doesn’t mean that facial-jizzing is, or should be, an issue for feminist activism. Some problems are best dealt with on an ad hoc basis. I remember a male baboon who was always trying to do it to his females. He never once succeeded, because they always managed to duck at the critical moment. Women are no less adept at evasive manoeuvres with a bit of practice. Any fool can point a weapon and shoot – it takes genuine skill to hit a moving target.
Anyway, I’m certain that the female chimp in Spain would not be watching all this ugly human cock-spurting if there were better options on TV. If I were running that zoo, I would give her a channel featuring re-runs of the old Batman series. The show has a huge following in the hairy primate community. My favourite character is Catwoman, who made Batman look like the pompous eunuch that he was. There is something particularly fascinating about a woman who dresses up in a skin-tight costume and gives us a glimpse of the animal within. Had we ever met in Gotham City, I might well have allowed her to scratch my hairy back. You need sharp claws to penetrate a gorilla’s fur.
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