Robinson Crusoe: great human

Being marooned alone on an island would be a terrible fate for any social primate. A hairy ape might express his frustration by pissing in the ocean in a vain attempt to annoy the fish. Eventually, he might hammer his head against a tree trunk in boredom and despair. But Robinson Crusoe, although fully aware of and much saddened by his predicament, does not allow his spirit to be crushed. He uses the human desire for comfort to his advantage by busying himself with little tasks from which he derives a sense of achievement and purpose.

Although he does not mention it in his journal, it is barely conceivable that Crusoe could have gone without occasionally relieving his sexual tension. But we may concede this point without in any way accepting that such incidents had acquired the status of a cherished pastime, let alone a ruling passion. If a lower breed of human male had found himself in Crusoe’s position, one might imagine that his life would revolve around his daily wank. He would ration whatever lubricants he had salvaged from the shipwreck for use in his masturbatory activities. Tiring of self-abuse, the fauna and flora of the island would no doubt soon fall victim to his lust.

But Robinson Crusoe has a noble human trait: the ability to put the spiritual above the corporeal. He lives in a universe of hopes and dreams, rather than soaps and creams. When Man Friday emerges, his thoughts are of friendship with another human being rather than same-sex coupling. There is certainly no evidence that any kind of sexual activity occurred between them, and insinuations of this kind should be strongly resisted by those who honour the memory of Crusoe.

Lastly, we should note that when Crusoe is rescued he pulls together the threads of his old life without seeking celebrity or attempting to sell his story to a newspaper. A true alpha male does not prostitute the events of his life to the curiosity of the vulgar rabble. Instead, like Crusoe, he calmly puts his business affairs in order, while generously rewarding those who have helped him. He also delivers his enemies to the iron hand of justice, pending a fair trial and the hangman’s noose - may God have mercy on their souls.

I leave you with the Robinson Crusoe theme music.

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Fat women should straddle them

What should be done with the adolescent human male? Left to his own devices he is disruptive, rebellious and yearning with sexual desire. Allow him to socialise with his peer group and they will congregate in marauding groups looking for someone to victimize. In gorilla society, the young males are simply driven away by the alpha. They live a life on the margins until they are strong enough to maintain their own harem. Humans, it seems, are too soft hearted to do this. In any case, the young human male is probably quite unable to fend for himself in your complex society.

My preferred solution would be to force them to work as sex slaves for older women. These women would be unattractive spinsters, unable to find a mature mate, but harbouring the normal desires of the human female. They should also be big and fat enough to be able to overpower the young male and compel his obedience.

From what I understand about the young human male, he would be unable to avoid copulation, no matter how undesirable he found the woman. His dick more or less has a mind of its own when it is touched. The woman could just tie him to her bed, play around with him for a minute, and then straddle him from above to satisfy her lust. I feel that this kind of work experience would teach the young human male some important lessons about life – that he who lives by power alone may one day succumb to it, that endless copulation does not bring lasting happiness, and that fat women are human beings worthy of respect.

It’s a pity that life’s lessons so often have to be learned through unpleasant experiences, but unfortunately there is no easy way of brainwashing a youngster into good sense and maturity. The exception that proves the rule is Master Joe 90, and I leave you with his theme music.

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Troy Tempest - great human

A blog commentator once accused me of “sapiens-bashing”, implying that I had some sort of grudge against humanity. I emphatically deny it: the whole point of this bog is to promote a spirit of camaraderie within the ape family by opening a channel of communication with my dear hairless cousins. I have the deepest admiration for more than a dozen humans, whom I shall eulogize on this site in an exciting new great humans series.

Let’s start the ball rolling with Troy Tempest, captain of a submarine called Stingray, and star of a television programme of the same name. Captain Tempest is brave and resourceful, virtues also found in many hairy apes. But he has one quality that is uniquely human: he is chivalrous.

Proof of this is seen in his conduct toward Marina, an aquatic woman with whom he has fallen in love. Marina is a mysterious beauty who can breathe underwater but is unfortunately mute, making it impossible for Captain Tempest to court her in the customary human fashion. But it would have been quite easy for him to force his attentions on her, secure in the knowledge that whatever her feelings about rough sex she would have been unable to complain afterwards. I admit that a male gorilla would offer no special consideration to a mute female in a similar situation: he would wait patiently until she was in season and then mount her without compunction. But the lovely Marina escapes such a fate thanks to the noble instincts of the gentle Captain Tempest, who adores her from afar – or from arm’s length at any rate.

In these more cynical times, there are some who might deride Captain Tempest as a sexually repressed buffoon, who in denying his own needs also prevents Marina from attaining proper womanly fulfilment. But I sense a deeper human wisdom, a realisation that some things are not meant to be, and that no good can come from mating with a woman who smells ever so slightly of fish.

I leave you with the song played at the end of the TV show, a crooning ode to Marina that might have been composed by Captain Tempest himself.

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