The editor of a magazine has asked me to review a book. I got the following email from him yesterday:
Have you heard of an idiot called Seymore Butts? He used to act in pornographic films and now presents himself as an authority on sexual matters. He has written a book called 'Rock Her World' implying that most men have no idea how to please a woman in bed. It is frankly flabbergasting that a publishing house should promote the ideas of a man whose only claim to expertise lies in cavorting with harlots and nymphomaniacs. Would you be interested in writing a piece for a gentleman’s periodical demolishing this absurd drivel? You are the very ape I am looking for to put this drooling buffoon in his place.
J D Spoon, editor
Now I don’t know much about an editor’s job, but there is something very strange about being asked to write a negative review before one has even opened the book. Does Spoon believe that a gorilla is a factotum who will do anything a human asks of him for an appropriate fee? Piqued by his presumption, I replied as follows:
Thank you for your recent message. I had not heard of Seymore Butts until you mentioned him. May I ask why you think I have the knowledge or inclination to review his book in the manner you suggest? For all I know, most men may indeed be hopeless lovers. Even if Butts is wrong, he ought to be able to express his views without being subjected to a character assassination. Pending clarification of these issues, I provisionally respond to your request in the negative.
Spoon responded quickly to my email.
Let me expand on the sentiments expressed in my earlier message. I assume you are a silverback gorilla who regularly attends to the business of servicing his mates. Has anyone ever written a book claiming that your females were howling in frustration at your performance? Of course not! You simply follow your instincts, and no one calls you an ignorant, selfish dolt for doing so. So please spare a thought for your fellow male primates of the human species! My offer to review the book stands.
J D Spoon
This email cast a more sympathetic light on Spoon and his peculiar animus. He is quite right that no one has written a book criticising the sexual prowess of the male gorilla. This is possibly because our females would rather give explicit instructions in the heat of the moment than indulge in futile carping afterwards. You tend to do what a lady gorilla says when she’s gnashing her teeth in feverish anticipation.
So being a fair-minded ape, I decided to read an existing review of the book to find out what all the fuss is about. Although the review was favourable, it is blindingly obvious that Butts is a fatuous ninny. According to the reviewer, the author’s philosophy is encapsulated in the following catchphrase:
“Guys, you gotta give to get – and that is the bottom line.”
How appropriate that the word “bottom” appears in it.
In all probability, the pages of this book are worthy of wiping a baboon’s anus. Yet I shall not entangle myself in human controversies by penning a hostile review. I will send Spoon a friendly message suggesting that he asks Dickie Dawkins to review it instead. As a man who favours instinctive behaviour, Dickie will relish giving Butts a thorough caning.
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