Seduction tricks

Someone has asked me to contribute to a fund for a Korean man who tried to hypnotise a woman into bed. After failing in his attempt he was arrested and heavily fined. I won’t donate a penny. If hypnotists are allowed to get away with that kind of chicanery, no virtuous maiden will be safe unless she wears ear plugs. Instead of looking for macho sympathisers to reimburse him, he should thank the judge for being so lenient. I would have imposed the ancient Roman penalty involving fish paste and a ram’s horn.

Although human seduction techniques are irrelevant to a gorilla, I like to keep an eye on current developments. Apparently there is
a society which helps men to perfect such wiles. A favoured method is for the seducer to invite the object of his lust to offer her opinion on a quirky topic he is supposedly debating with his buddies. Once enticed into communication, she is beguiled with pre-planned banter designed to make her feel she is being courted by Oscar Wilde’s heterosexual twin. If all goes to plan, she will consent to sexual relations before her charmer exhausts his bag of tricks.

Such tactics would never work with female gorillas. Too much clever talk is viewed as pretentious in the jungle. “Ignore the words, observe the deeds” is the motto they follow when sizing up eligible silverbacks. I remember the case of a wily chimpanzee who tried to chat up a pubescent female gorilla. He told her all kinds of tall stories about edible snakes and suckable coconuts. She listened to him with an amused look on her face and then immobilised him with a headlock. He must have spent hours lying on the ground with her vice-like ankles wrapped around his neck. He couldn’t move his head for a week after she released him.

Now I’m not saying that human females should adopt a similar approach. What works in the jungle might cause an unpleasant ruckus in a singles bar. But if a man sounds too clever, he ought to be reminded that his words are merely noises from a vibrating Adam’s Apple. The shrewd girl-about-town will listen to him with a twinkle in her eye and say “How you talk!” when he’s finished. If he looks annoyed, it means she’s seen through him.

It seems to me that the authentic ladies’ man learns his craft by hanging out with women and finding out what they really want from a lover. The fellow who only approaches a woman when he wants sex will never be a Casanova in my view. The same principle applies when the genders are reversed, of course. A lady gorilla who expects the alpha male to jump all over her when she’s in season might be gravely disappointed if the big guy feels he’s being used like a sperm bank.

“Where were you last week when I wanted a fruit smoothie and my back needed scratching?” I asked one of my horny females the other day.

She had no good answer to my question.

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