Ride of the Valkyries

The manager of the safari camp attempts to humour me by claiming that a bullet-proof bra has been invented in Germany. I am not impressed by his apocryphal assertion.

"The Germans invented bosom armour centuries ago,” I remind him. “Brunhilde 'Iron-tits' Kugelbrecher charged into battle with a pair of metal cones sprouting from her bust. As well as protecting her jahoobies from missiles, she could impale a man’s head on her spiky bodkins.”

“That’s not the same thing,” retorts the manager. “A metal bra would cause bullets to ricochet everywhere and get hot after being sprayed with automatic fire. Brunhilde’s titties would have been well and truly cooked.”

“It’s just as well such weapons did not exist when she was alive,” I remark. “What materials is the contemporary boob-protector made of?”

“Ordinary fabrics with extra padding,” he answers.

I later discover that the garment cited by the manager offers no protection whatever against bullets. German policewomen have been advised to wear it
underneath an ordinary bullet-proof vest. Once again, a gullible human has been fooled by a misleading news headline.

It follows that metallic bosom armour remains state-of-the-art, and not just for women who do battle in horny helmets. It is also the most effective countermeasure against the insidious groper who will exploit any opportunity to manipulate a woman’s melons. I’m thinking particularly of those degenerate dentists who cannot resist the temptation to paw their female patients, often when they are prone and defenceless on the chair. The number of fiends arrested for this offence continues to accumulate.

A chastity belt would be going too far though. Call me an unadventurous ape, but I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of a two-legged creature going about its business with an object pressed against its crotch. There are certain areas of the body that Nature intended to be well-ventilated, the gusset being the most obvious one. I pity the medieval maidens who had to wear those ungainly groin-padlocks, which through contact with bodily fluids may have poisoned many a cha-cha. The modern human female is will rid of such treacherous and unhygienic appliances.

I’ve never understood the need for knickers either. Why do women wear them? Do they hold something up that would otherwise fall down? Do they prevent things from rubbing against the naked flesh, causing discomfort or embarrassing pleasure? I suspect they are one of those fashion fads that arose in the days of Marie Antoinette, and got passed down through the generations from mother to daughter. If a famous woman like Angela Merkel or Hilldog were to publicly renounce her knickers, great swathes of the female population would surely go commando.

A lot of men would miss seeing panties hanging on clothes lines and having a quick sniff of them in the laundry basket, but they can’t expect women to dance to their tune in these days of gender equality. The gentlemen among them would obtain vicarious pleasure from imagining the sensation of cool air circulating around the female crevices.

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