Brazen blondes

The manageress of a dating site for adulterers is claiming that blond women are the most successful cheats:

“They know what they want and are seizing life by the horns,” declared Rosie Freeman-Jones of ‘Intimate Encounters’.

Does that mean life is a bull or a pair of cocks? The metaphors of a dating-site madam are unfathomable to a simple gorilla like me. In any case, I’m not convinced by her suggestion that blondes are a breed apart. She seems to have forgotten that women can dye their hair. For all she knows, the biggest trollops on her client list may be bottle blondes.

There is no solid evidence that men on the prowl for floozies prefer natural blondes. Consider the case of La Cicciolina, the Hungarian-Italian porn star, who famously offered her body to Saddam Hussein as a bribe for withdrawing his forces from Kuwait. Although her flowing locks were bleached, she never bothered to dye her dark eyebrows the same colour. Her admirers knew she was a fake blonde but they never gave two hooters about it.

As for the lady garden, my old friend Smacker Ramrod told me that even natural blondes tend to have pubic hair which is several shades darker.

“Yellow beavers look unnatural, even when they’re genuine,” he explained. “That part of a woman’s body is meant to be dark and mysterious.”

I took his word for it at the time, but now I’m not so sure. Could differences in lighting and shade account for the apparent mismatch? For many blondes, of course, the modern fashion for the depilating the cha-cha has made this question moot. There is very little mystery left in a woman’s undercarriage these days – it must be one of the most photographed areas of the human body.

It actually surprises me how conventional fornicating women are in their choice of cosmetics and dyes. I would have thought men who wanted to cheat on their wives were bored and looking for something different. Whatever you say about blond hair, it isn’t very different.

To my way of thinking, the enterprising hoochie should adopt a new and exciting look to entice men into her web of sin. A good place to look for ideas would be Star Trek (the original series), where Captain Kirk was continually putting his phaser on stun for some weird and wonderful alien chick. Although these damsels in distress were always humanoid, they usually had some exotic feature which made them especially alluring. I recall a particularly raunchy green one, who gave every indication of being a tigress in the sack.

The broader question, of course, is whether a dating site for cheaters is ethical. My own view is that it’s better for adulterers to commit adultery with other adulterers than deceive people genuinely looking for love. Such an arrangement is less likely to result in anguish, turmoil or dire revenge. Sometimes it’s safer to let the guilty wallow in their guilt than endanger the peace of the realm.

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