Depp leaves Paradise

I hear that Johnny Depp has split up with Vanessa Paradis, his former long-term girlfriend. Am I the only gorilla in the Congo Basin who never knew they were an item?

“You big hairy ignoramus!” jeered my females. “You only find out about celebrities’ private lives when they’re mentioned on the BBC website. Some of us hear things on the grapevine and read Hello magazine.”

“An ape with my responsibilities doesn’t clutter up his head with trivia,” I replied. “I leave such menial tasks you.”

They responded to my lofty retort by blowing raspberries and wiggling their hips (a gesture of respect).

A sadly predictable feature of this unexceptional story is that Johnny was lured away from his mistress by a younger woman. Miss Amber Heard, who co-starred with Depp in his latest picture, is now playing the part of temptress and Jezebel. She is universally described in the news coverage as a “bisexual actress”, as if that were a relevant detail. What are they implying? That she won Johnny over by promising to share her girlfriends with him?

Of course, there are other reasons to prefer a bisexual woman. A man who’s bored of conventional role-play might want to experience things from the female perspective. Today’s thespians pride themselves on their fluid and flexible approach to gender identity. I’m sure a seasoned performer like Depp would relish the challenge of throwing himself into a new position and adapting to its demands. All the same, I think he should make a statement so we know what to expect. If Johnny intends to be the future Mrs Heard, his fans deserve to be told.

A interesting feature of their courtship is that Johnny bought Amber a horse. It makes me wonder whether Amber is one of those women who find riding on horseback sexually arousing. I disapprove of humans using other species in this way, but I don’t suppose the horse would complain, even if it knew what was going on. Let’s hope she still has energy for Johnny after bouncing up-and-down on her headstrong mount.

The relationship between horses and humans is a strange one for gorillas to fathom. On the face of it humans idolise their steeds, pining for a partnership like the Lone Ranger and Silver. Yet likening a human to a horse, either in mannerisms or appearance, is invariably perceived as a deadly insult. I remember getting hate mail for calling Princess Anne ‘The Horseface of the Apocalypse’, even though I meant it as a compliment.

That’s why I felt a pang of sympathy for the English comedian who was cautioned by the police for making a horse joke. All he did was upload a photograph of a female traffic warden on Facebook and encourage his readers to ride her like a horse. Not the most gallant remark to make about a woman, but people who do unpopular jobs should expect a few lampoons. If I ever saw that woman in a car park, I would barrack her with neighing noises. 

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