Madonna lets it hang out

Madonna has deliberately displayed her breast at a concert in Istanbul, provoking wild screams of delight from her delirious fans. The antics of a desperate woman. Or do I mean “the antic”, given that only one boob was exposed? Singular or plural, I’m not impressed. I’ve seen baby baboons emit more dignified cries for attention.

The reaction of the audience was entirely predictable. Any diva can drive her fans nuts by exposing her flesh. If Madge really wants to prove something, she should show off her rack at a dairy farmers’ convention. Men who milk cows for a living know a high-class udder when they see one.

A naïve chimpanzee once asked me why Madonna didn’t just retire on all her millions and live on an island paradise, gorging on fresh fruit and sitting on her boyfriend’s face.

“What a naïve chimpanzee you are!” I exclaimed. “No amount of money can replace the thrill of live performance in front of adoring fans. Adulation like that makes you higher than a parrot!”

“How come you know so much about it?” asked the chimp impertinently.

“Because I used to perform in a circus, you impertinent chimp!” I replied. “I assure you my fans were no less devoted than those of Madonna.”

Dumbfounded by my answer, the chimp fingered his navel and wandered off.

Don’t get the wrong idea about my circus act. The hero-worship I got was not achieved by displaying an organ or gland. We gorillas are mellow apes who shun behaviour that might provoke a hysterical reaction.

The manager of the safari camp thinks Madonna’s eccentric behaviour is a response to her rivalry with Lady Gaga.

“She looks at Gaga and sees a younger version of herself,” he declared. “People her age don’t like that. It reminds them of their own mortality.”

“That’s an unusually perceptive remark from you,” I remarked. “Have you been reading something?”

“Yeah, The Complete Idiots’ Guide to Psychology,” he confirmed.

To my way of thinking, any rivalry that provokes a 53-year-old woman to bare one of her breasts is a destructive one. It can’t be helping Gaga either, who is a confused young woman in need of a good role model. The world of popular entertainment doesn’t need a tit-flashing competition between two of its leading lights.

If you ask me, Madonna should end this pointless feud with a bold and generous gesture. Let her offer to adopt Miss Gaga as her daughter. Rather than exposing her bosom on stage, make it a comforting resting place for Lady G’s troubled head.

Becoming family would allow them to perform together, by which I mean singing duets rather than doing anything lewd or incestuous. Would it make them the first mother-daughter band in history? Apparently not. An informed source tells me that a country music duo called ‘The Judds’ has that honour. No matter. They could always break new ground by inviting Bieber to join them in a mother-daughter-puppy combination. The sight of little Justin frolicking with his mistresses would tug the heartstrings of every pet owner.

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