News arrives of another police blunder in England. This one was inspired by a spurious report of a man brandishing a pistol in his living room. A squad of armed heavies was immediately dispatched to the address, where they found a couple playing with a dildo. After confiscating the sex toy at gunpoint, they arrested the man for “possession of an imitation firearm”.
“I think this is what you might call a classic cock-up,” said a neighbour, exaggerating for comic effect.
The police should drop this charge before they make complete assess of themselves in court. The dildo would have to be produced as evidence, resulting in their inevitable ridicule. If I were the defence counsel, I would ask the arresting officer to examine it in the witness stand.
“Does that look like a pistol to you?” I would say, as the judge scratched his wig pensively. “Perhaps you could oblige us by pulling the trigger.”
After sniggering all over their faces, the jury would vote to acquit. It’s an infallible principle of English law that the barrister who gets the most laughs wins. That’s why Rumpole of the Bailey never lost a case.
Another reason to drop the charge is that the arrested man has already been punished enough. The shame of the affair must have nipped him like a ferret in the trousers. There is simply no explanation for possessing a dildo that reflects well on a man. It either means his own equipment isn’t functioning properly or he's a fan of the prostate massage.
There is nothing wrong with women owning dildos, of course. If I saw a woman clutching one, I would advise her to keep it well-oiled and bid her a good day. The full potential of the dildo as a sex aid has been demonstrated by Tiana Lynn (the “squirt queen”), who is a dab hand with the trusty glass phallus. There are video clips of her practically torturing herself with pleasure, but I don’t intend to link them here. Not many women can watch her in action without feeling jealous, and it is not my purpose in life to make women jealous.
I’ve often wondered what happens to ladies who have worked in the adult entertainment industry when their careers come to a natural end. I would hope they use their savings to finance a college education and subsequently apply for jobs at IBM or General Electric. Such giant corporations are full of business school types who’ve had limited exposure to the rich diversity of human experience. Recruiting people with fresh ideas might invigorate their working practices and inspire innovation.
There’s also much to be said for retired porn stars joining the police force. Making suspects assume “the position” before frisking and handcuffing them has much in common with their previous line of work. They also have a wealth of knowledge and experience that could be used to good effect. Their ability to distinguish between dildos and deadly weapons would be a particular boon to law enforcement.
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